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Twilight Lament

Missing image

 
 
 

Milky crescent, parts dense nimbus sentries

illuminates silent, barren wasteland.

Asphyxiated air allows not a breeze

boulders salute the departed, proud they stand.

Alone in the dark, he prowls among the trees-

sees soft life, pure, to it, reaches out a hand.

 

Stops short, won’t touch, claws have no right to feel grace;

this lonesome soul, is forever, out of place.

 

 

 

 

He wears their fearful scorn, in taut blackened form,

nary a loyal friend in the world, has he.

The hurt hides, behind masked attempt at the norm

but saddened heart knows, he’ll be what he will be.

Light-flowered hope, he does not want to deform.

Crippling despair, brings him down on one knee.

 

Fated sins, the darkness taunts, he’ll n’er atone-

doomed end, white-faced tragedy, must face alone.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Author notes

http://sebychu.deviantart.com/art/Simplicity-in-Dark-4232327

An Ottava Rima is a poem written in 8-line octaves. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in the following rhyme scheme:
one octave poem. abababcc
two octave poem. abababcc, dededeff
three octave poem. abababcc, dededeff, ghghghii

~I wanted to give some humanness to this creature; as I saw more reality than fantasy in it...

In a list

A contest entry

constructive comments are much obliged!!!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 35 of 35
  • Kudos. Forgot to congratulate you before
  • This was awesome

    It truly gave me a chill and Im sure their are people out in the public that feels just this way yet un knowing to touch and follow would lead them away from their pending death .

  • LadyDementia gold member
    July 13

    Edit | Reply
    I remember reading this now...lets just say I appreciate the work that you've put into so much more now I've tried to write this form! Its not easy to do at all. A truely stunning piece, superbly penned!

  • Rovingone gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    Good flow to the poem. I like the rich diversity of words you used. Also there is the fact that, though this is a structured poem, it retains the idea of free associaton prevalent in free verse.


  • Jaden silver member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    more handcuffs . . . but, that's okay, that's okay . . .I personally suck at structured poetry so I am loathe to judge.

    • thank yoU! I'm just being taught form... this is like my 4th form piece. glad you liked it...

      ...but the majority of my poems are free verse

      • Jaden silver member
        July 4
        Edit | Reply
        Nothing wrong with form even though free verse is the way to go. I'm glad you do free verse. I suppose the challenge with form poetry is coming across with a message backed by pure intentions and expression. In most form poetry you see the energy wrapped up in its structure . . . somehow the message seems less important.

        • Rovingone gold member
          July 4
          Edit | Reply
          says who? I write in structured verse all the time and I don't have that problem. It either comes or it doesn't. lol
        • hmm I never thought of it like that ..... that's a rational thought....


          yes, but, I'd have to say that my best poems are my free verse on my page
  • Well I've never been good with form poetry but thatnks for the tip... now this is heavy at words and metaphors.. and the sheme of it fits perfectly at the prompt given.. I must say Im impressed.. never have I thought someone would make such a great write like this with so many metaphors... great job!
  • welll wow...... you described the pic well..... alot of imagery too.... thanks for entering this contest and goood luck in this contest.....! thanks for sharing this...!

  • KayJay46 gold member
    July 2

    Edit | Reply

    Masterful!

    I love your imagery... this isn't "down home" stylings, however... this is spectacular...
    "dense nimbus sentries"; "asphyxiated air"... such powerful pictures that surpass the prompt... OK, I'm not writing against you anymore ...
    Fantastic write...
    Ken

  • You and your complex form poetry...anyways, I'll just appreciate the poem for what it is...you make my head hurt with your forms.

    "Milky crescent, parts dense nimbus sentries"
    'Nimbus'
    HAHAHAHA..I know 'nimbus' has a meaning outside of 'Nimbus Two Thousand'...but this has a quintessential Harry Potter meaning. Heh.

    "reaches out a hand."
    I think 'beckons a hand' would be more sinister (but then again, I'm seeing this from a Lord Voldemort perspective and should probably not be trusted). 'Beckons' normally has a friendly connotation, but with Voldy behind the mask...(or you know, some other evil being), them performing a normally genial gesture would be...scary. Sorry for my lame explanations infused with Harry Potter enthusiasm.

    "He wears their fearful scorn, in taut blackened form,"
    Deeply evil. I like!! 'wears'=nice verb usage.

    "Light flowered hope"
    There should be a hyphen (-) in between 'light' and 'flowered' probably.

    "Fated sins, the darkness taunts, he’ll n’er atone-"
    Fated sins huh? Like you can't escape them? Neat.

    Good luck (: (:

  • illuminates silent, barren wasteland.

    Asphyxiated air allows not a breeze

    boulders salute the departed, proud they stand.



    Some of the longest words ive read hear so far to date, Great Write.


  • Reptile Lady gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Art of perfection
    I am always in awe with your words, and this one is no exception.
    Your talent is amazing as is your styles of writes.
    The poem screams gold to me..
    Best wishes to you
    Julie xx

  • Excellent write here

    Wow you put the fear of all in this write and truly hits a nerve of the beyond a place alone and cold a place where voices speak only of doom . In the ways of the underworld it feeds upon the weak times when the young feels their is no hope and the lyrics softlybrings them to their knees . When in reallity its only a short time in a life that has the ability to live forever just for the asking


  • LadyDementia gold member
    June 30
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, awesome pic! Your write matches superbly, deeply dark. I'm no good with form so kudos on doing such a fantastic job. Good luck, but you shouldn't need it
    Got my pic but not penned yet...lol. So slow today


  • cricketjeff gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Deliciously dark writing. I'm so pleased I asked you to join Winklings because this poem shows you want to learn and grow into new areas. Your rhyming is spot on, if this is your first ottava rima you should be very proud, it would be very good for a poet who wrote them every day!
    Great stuff.


  • Amera gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    This is really a good Ottava Rima. True to form with a wonderful tale of darkness. You write the dark genre very well. The flow, rhyme and meter are wonderful. You have taken this form and made it your own. Braveo!

    Love,
    Amera♥

  • This is just brilliant darl..dark and haunting but you told the story of the guy in the picture so well, through the ottava rima



    AWESOMENESS!!!
    Good luck darl



    Cind


  • Weltt gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    first off you managed to avoid the one thing that always draws me away from form poetry. that is when people try to hold true to strict guidelines the flow and rhyme often times seems forced. That is definately not the case here so kudos to you for your sharp rhyme.

    Second, this imagery was highly imaginative and wonderfully unique. The tale you penned for the pic was fascinating, gripping, and truly thought provoking. All in all this was a great piece of poetry and as usual when i read something of yours, I am very glad to have read it and thank you so much for sharing.

  • This to me looks like a dark entity that does not want to be a part of the dark. Instead, he longs for the light, but cannot touch the light, fearing that he is beyond grace.

    I really like the story behind this. The imagery was so very good too. Darkness with a hint of sadness for the main character. Very well-written indeed. Good luck in the contest my friend.

    Darkest
    Love
    Wayne Leon

  • http://sebychu.deviantart.com/art/Simplicity-in-Dark-4232327

    if dont like i can find another one... good luck in this contest.... thanks for entering..!
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