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Ring of Sorrow

   The atmosphere reeks,
Pressuring fear onto your frail shoulders.
   Asphyxiate on the worlds pleasures,
and circumscribe all memories of the sun.

   Your heart beats [ba-bump, ba-bump]
crawling in compelling search of blood.
   Love attracts your barren soul,
Forever staggering back.
  
  A vision in white,
         

          circling

circling          circling

          circling

 

Ring around the cycle; it never ends.

We all fall down.

   For you are just a sailor lost at sea,

Anchored in the midst of this broken clearing.

 

   cut it down

make it flat

   ruin it just like

your life

 

Rings= Years you've suffered

 

You can shun, but you can never let go...

 

Author notes

I don't exactly know the point of this poem, and I can't explain the meaning. All I know is that I figured it sounded good, so this is my contest enrty.
I tried my best to use at least a few "big words" and metaphors =) metaphors are something I usually do, but the "big words" were a bit of a new frontier for me. I mostly try to keep it simple, but I have to branch out every once in a while, right? =P
Picture Prompt credit: http://amelllia.deviantart.com/art/DARK-44213039

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Lonely Christina
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    " circling

    circling circling

    circling" omg i love this! lol i mite have to steal it 4 a dirty pretty btw this poem is amazing!!! love love love it lol
    good job
    -christina


    • foreverair
      November 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      lol thanks
      oh, be my guest!
      i love when people violate copyright law and steal my work!
      it makes me feel so special =P lol


  • Lil-Bit Crazy
    July 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i like how you used shape in this... reminds me almost like a tornado.... spirling down..... great write you have penned... thank you for entering this and good luck in the contest.......!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  • Re-invention silver member
    July 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    your imagination is off hook I have to admit for the title reminded me of The Ring movie but I believe you did loose a little consern of the picture and on the rule that said only freeverse or rhyme for you add some puntuaction.. but I guess I loved the metaphors you brought down..
    the first two stanzas began really well but in the third it talked about sea and I didn't see any sea in the prompt.. you can edit that part for its the only thing I didnt get so much... try seeing deep in the picture if the picture doesn't give you more inspiration you can ask for another one or any other prompt to complete that part.. dont be afraid to ask!

    • foreverair
      July 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      the stanza talking about the sea is not literal. I used it as another metaphor; the girl is lost in the world, like a sailor lost at sea. the clearing of trees is part of the sea of pain and sorrow that she is anchored, or stuck, in. does that make sense? lolz sometimes i have a hard time explaining myself!


  • HowCouldYou
    July 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    VERY GOOD!!!

  • Northern Downpour
    June 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think you did a really good job with some of the shapes in the poem. It really reflected what the poem was about and I can sense a really strong meaning. Your vocabulary is amazing and I'm not being biased at all. (FYI one of my favorite words is "asphyxiate") Lolz, but I think you did a wonderful job.
    ~Gina~


  • Lil-Bit Crazy
    June 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    http://amelllia.deviantart.com/art/DARK-44213039

    good luck....! dont forget to credit.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

1 - 8 of 8