Oh God
I am an old man
though, determining hard
to figure as radiating
altering my labels, costumes
and my ambience
yet I could not convert myself
since my spirit is not deviating
its faith in you
while replacing the old deliberations of blaze
Oh God...
A contest entry
- Spirit by Nicole Hanna.
4000 points, ended July 13, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
-
This reads like a beautiful prayer Prabhu which is always a joy to read and in this you have made it feel so personal. I enjoyed this very much, well done and good luck in the contest. Val
:g
-
very nicely done, I really enjoyed this poetic prayer.
-
Interesting
Sounds like an ancient chant, pleading yet deterimined
-
hm, not sure how that last "oh, god"
really worked it's way back into the
end, as it is repetitive and makes me
feel as though the piece is not
complete.
nonetheless, the words and
imagery that was used was masterful
and i should like to see an edit. -
...and your youthfulness of spirit 'radiates' through this write beautifully...Best wishes for the contest, my friend. Peace, Rhonda
-
O God, I love your wisdom here and am here to remind you that your not an old man. Good luck in contest
-
You're old as old as you're dreams!
How old a man is , is determined by the breadth of his dreams, the honesty of his schemes. Not the age of his frame, but the tenor of his game. You my friend are ageless, timeless in the beauty of your soul as protrayed in your prose!
Regards,
Jennifer
-
I found this piece to be very powerful-yet very soft and peaceful..
since my spirit is not deviating
its faith in you
while replacing the old deliberations of blaze
I just love this 3lines..outstanding work my friend!
Best of luck
Ruby
-
Very nice. Has a soft spiritual undertone that doesn't sound pushy. It's personal, as it should be. There's a lot of adjectives in the first stanza, which tends to downplay what you're saying, verses enhancing it. You could say the same thing, but turn the adjectives into action by saying:
"I am an old man
though, determining hard
to figure a man, radiating and young"
I would even consider leaving off "young", as "radiating" does the job by inspiring images of the sun and youthfulness all on its own.
In the second stanza, you could lose the word "all", which is really unnecessary, as well as the word "even". These are the kinds of words poetry doesn't need, and they tend to lessen the impact of the overall image.
The final stanza is lovely. Many thanks for entering. I'm enjoying this experience of reading the spirit in others.
Adding your comment:
1 - 9 of 9
