Cunningly, he slithers
in my consciousness,
circling my inner core
with his vise-like grip.
I am in bondage to bitterness.
Ancient hurts fuel my rancor.
Deeply, I breathe-
liberate myself from
painful past—
I tear the pages of an old journal,
Throw out the sad photograph of
you with angry eyes…
In the midst of this purging,
just when I believe catharsis
is settling like a soft glow around me,
I hear hissing
from the corner of my room.
A contest entry
- Spirit by Nicole Hanna.
4000 points, ended July 13, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Title suggestions?
Comments
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Oh man Now this is really something. Excellent and good luck.
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Interesting write! I like the imagery you use here. The ending does leave me wondering if there is more to come. There is mystery there!
I like the flow. This was a nice read.
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I loved the title. So unexpected, to think of the mythical woman as suffering true torment via her hissing hair! Also applicable to any who have received "ancient hurts" and suffered "bondage to bitterness."
Second stanza, the attempts to liberate from "painful past" by tearing, throwing out tangible reminders (I've burned things...)
Exquisite understanding in the third and final stanzas...just when you think you are finally free...something will stir a memory, and the fight is on again!
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The title is a bit tongue-in-cheek, which I adore. Need a little light humor these days. But the opening stanza was almost shocking in its seriousness in comparison to the title. I wasn't expecting that, which was pleasant to say the least.
A few things I would offer up as advice are these:
In the first stanza, I'd love to see it cleaned up a bit, by removing superfluous words. "Cunningly, he slithers into my consciousness" remove "into" and just leave "in". They both say the same, just one takes up less space and meter. "encircling" can also be "circling", which works better with the flow.
In stanza two, remove "trying". make the action REAL by stating it blatantly, verses stating the attempt at it. "Deeply I breath- liberate myself from painful past". Some might think that stunts the flow by removing words like that, but really it just adds more impact to the imagery.
The final two lines are dark and brooding, and I can almost sense a "sequel" in the works to this piece, as it leaves me wanting to read more and finish the story, as it were. I enjoyed the entry very much. Thanks for giving it a go and sharing it with me!
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