Stool runs
counter locked down
managed by computer
changing elements here now
seagulls clashing fighting
supremacys
stasis.
Mosquitoes fly
above swirling waters
illness swims lurking curving waves
stench roils putrid ghastly
end game comes soon.
Spreading
farmers' slurry
unsweet smell tells story
crops success endure seasons
tabletop has greens for
healthy people
thats us.
Body reacts
acid works at attack
large intestine singing a song
working down the bowel
away it goes
ordure.
A contest entry
- Poetry Formed XXXII by Arkbear.
875 points, ended July 1, 9 entries
Honorable winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Hello there :)
First impression........as a left-align Behrquain, this was penned very nicely ~
However, as a middle-align, we see a different story..>>>>
Stool runs
counter locked down
managed by computer
changing elements here now
seagulls clashing fighting
supremacys
stasis.
Mosquitoes fly
above swirling waters
illness swims lurking curving waves
stench roils putrid ghastly
end game comes soon.
Spreading
farmers' slurry
unsweet smell tells story
crops success endure seasons
tabletop has greens for
healthy people
thats us.
Body reacts
acid works at attack
large intestine singing a song
working down the bowel
away it goes
ordure.You need to see boxes tilted on their sides, and this is what it should look like..>>>
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
....or.....
....left-aligned..>>>
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
OOOO
OOOOOO
OOOOOOOO
OOOOOO
OOOO
OO
Do you see the difference between yours and the example?
:)
Ok....enough about aesthetics ~
Your syllable count..........
changing elements here now....you have 7 syll....should be 8 ~
crops success endure seasons....you have 7 syll....should be 8 ~
and....an extra space snuck in after *success* :)
large intestine singing a song.....you have an extra space after *singing* :)
Alright....your Theme....whew!
Very Creative.....and that is the way you get the Bears attention :)
As far as Flow......you used punctuation.....per say Rules...>>
The only punctuation I want you to use.....is NONE!
Capping the beginning of your new sentence,
is the way I want to stop and start within your write ~
Also.......I want you to read this.....aloud..>>>>
Stool runs counter locked down managed by computer changing elements here now seagulls clashing fighting
supremacys stasis.Mosquitoes fly above swirling waters illness swims lurking curving waves stench roils putrid ghastly end game comes soon.
Spreading farmers' slurry unsweet smell tells story crops success endure seasons tabletop has greens for
healthy people thats us.Body reacts acid works at attack large intestine singing a song working down the bowel away it goes ordure.
Ok.....do you have enough wind in your lungs to say each of those lines with only one breath?
:)
.....or.....do you think you might have been able to shorten your lines a tad and create more than one sentence/statement from each line presented?
I think you are borderline.....and I believe your Flow & Tone would have been enhanced by executing better meter ~
I do hope you join me again for more Poetry Formed contests....as I see you have talent, and I would enjoy having you back to try and perfect your Poetry in strict syllabic Form ~
Thank you so very much for taking the time to come by and enter something for us,
God bless you!
Bear ~
-
-
Your extensive review of my Water Treatment Plant is much appreciated.
Some points from the other side of the fence Syllable count, where I come from "here" is "hee-uh" and "endure" is "end yew uh" hence my UK syllable count is fine. No mention of spacing as a part of a Behrquain, Fussy I should say as a considered reply!
As to middle (yes I missed the requirement) line-up against left align, this makes no difference to the syllable count or the overall shaping as against shape.
Per se punctuation, the end of line normally adds a pause however short, turning the lines into extended lines and talking of breath disturbs the original intent and makes no sense in the situation of a Behrquain as I see it - but what would I know? -
-
Hello again
Thank you so much for your explanation of areas pertaining to your write.....this is one way we get to know each and the styles of each Writer we come into contact with ~
As I stated, I do hope to see you back in my contests....I adore your talent ~
Be well and God bless,
Bear ~
-
-
-
I wonder how much of our lives we spend on the crapper. We have a water treatment plant right next to where I work, and the plant that I work in has a methane recovery system utilizing biogas for fuel.
-
-
Does that mean that you all f*rt a lot into the aforementioned crapper to make it work?
Does that mean that you all have to f*rt mightily into the aforementioned crapper to make it work? -
-
No, actually it's a rather small facility, and the town supplies an ample amount for treatment; you know how so many of us American are fat (eat too much in the first place, and of the wrong kinds of foods; many with tons of additives: horrible health cost, productivity loss, and metal sludginess the result). Anyway, the best part is we don't have to drink the crap, the water is treated, sent to a series of ponds (where you can fish), then the rest is sent on to the river helping to replenish it so this valuable resource in this sometimes fairly dry area of our state and country is not wasted. Our drinking water still comes from deep wells, it use to be some of the best tasting water in the world, but unfortunately they treat it with what I believe is too much chlorine, and fluoride (you Europeans caught onto the problem with too much fluoride long ago - but no one is catching on here (too busy eating)). The Water Treatment Plant is very old by most standards, my Dad was one of the big promoters of it (it has been one of the few real success stories here over the years).
-
-
-
Shit happens... and then it gets flushed away!
-
Talk about thinking outside of the box on that whole Nature prompt....Hey when Nature calls....
I will admit its all kinda gross, lol....but I have to appreciate a unique piece of poetry, and YES, this meets THAT mark for sure!
Good luck to you in the contest.
Jamie
-
hmmmmm. best not to make any comment since I don't know if your're writing about a real water treatment plant or our bodies own cleaning system ....I'll say one thing for you, you're intelligent and it shows in your writing.
-
-
Dear Autumn - why do you so mistrust me? Check out maps on Google, put in ESHOLT UK and you will get the village of that name, switch to satellite and you can see what looks like a large run of tennis courts - those are the slurry tanks! Edge away a little and you will see Acacia Park Drive and can see that we are less than a mile away as that's us!
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
