Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Dispossessed, in Search of Haven

Through self-imposed trenches
I scoured--
listless--
wandering amid corruption,
my being, singed:


ravenous for a haven.


Unadorned,
limping about
this machine called existence--


A soul dispossessed...

Author notes

The real me: without pretensions.













.







Revisions: The real me, improved and inspired, by a real muse: Nicole Hanna.

A contest entry

Critical Critique Please! Be RUTHLESS! I LIKE IT ROUGH!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

  • Nicole Hanna
    June 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Tis how it should be. And can I just say "Be ruthless! I like it rough" is the most romantic thing a girl like me can read So here ya go:

    Through eons of self-revision
    I traveled--

    These first two lines are almost over-the-top. It's poetic in a way, but uncessary and makes the poem seem dramatic in a pushy way, verses dramatic in a natural way. I think it's words like "eons" and "traveled" that make me envision space travel verses a personal spiritual awakening. Something softer would do the trick, but still supply the punch.

    listless--
    wandering the fathoms of corruption

    Again, "fathoms" is too dramatic a word. Maybe something like "in the belly of corruption". Still shows the depth and darkness of corruption without making me think of Captain Kirk.

    singed into my being:

    If you can shorten a word, do it. Brevity is a wonderful thing at times. "into" can be "in". Or you could do without the word at all and just say "my being, singed". Re-working the order of words not only adds a little spice, but gets rid of superfluous wording.


    ravenous for a haven.


    Unadorned, quite naked,
    limping and shuffling about
    this machine called existence--

    I like this stanza, but would love to see you play with the order of things a bit. Unadorned and naked are repetative, as they spark the same kind of mental imagery, and as such, one of them seems unnecessary. Dont really like the word "shuffling"- one "-ing" word too many in a single line for my tastes, but limping is nice visceral kind of word. I would think readers are more likely to feel empathy for someone limping than someone shuffling. Shuffling inspires visions of laziness, and that's not what this poem is about- quite the contrary. So you could really use a stronger word there, though I'd be weary of using too many adjectives.


    A wayward soul dispossessed...

    Remove "wayward" here. "A soul dispossessed" is a really strong final line, and the adjective actually takes away from it, verses improves it. Plus, dispossessed is a stronger word which, in a subtle way, IMPLIES being wayward, so it's another instance of repetition.

    Over all, the feelings are baring themselves out, tangible enough that I was able to emmerse myself in the reading. You definitely have something here.