There are few mornings
that begin with silence.
The alarm clock shatters me awake,
the coffer percolator
hisses and spits,
a cauldron bubbling.
I hear the aquarium hum,
the water spilling
over and over
from the top-loading filter,
the fish gulping,
sucking.
Underneath it all
is the air conditioner
I hardly even notice,
that low white-noise
tickling the back of my neck.
The neighbors kids laugh
and scramble for the bus.
I want to lay here for a few more minutes,
absorb all these sounds
but even as they register in my thoughts,
I am restless.
Author notes
I would like to enter this contest again, after the prompt has germinated in my mind for a few days, because there are so many different ways to respond. Depending on the time of day, each occasion renders a new opportunity.
A contest entry
- Notice the unnoticed by Dienush.
900 points, ended July 18, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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I like the detail in this. I agree with Diana and think that it sounds a lilttle too listy, and I'm a fan of multiple stanzas, they help a lot. I'm glad you actually kept on subject and I enjoyed reading this.
-Kevin -
Finally someone who understands where we were trying to go with this contest
I like that you actually took these small sounds. The simple style goes well with the theme and it makes your poem sound very real. All the imagery here appeals to me, even though it's so concrete and day-to-day-ish. It creates that impression, how you notice things everyone experience but few notice, and to my mind that is just what a poet does. The only problem I have with this is that it's a bit too list-like. I think this piece would be a lot more powerful if you split it in a few stanzas and, rather than concentrating on a "things I hear upon waking up: x, y, z" structure, you focused more on each of these sounds on its own. Let them flow from one to the other. I loved the "shatters me awake" phrase, that is so true and expressed in such a raw manner. I also like how you go from the (lack of) silence, to concrete examples of potential noise, then to how you feel. I think the last line is very strong, but I do find that last sentence a bit long winded: it would probably have more of an impact if you reduced it to fewer words. Anyhow, I like this. Thanks for your entry
~Diana
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Thanks for taking the time to respond in such an indepth manner. I wrote the poem directly for the prompt but am really pleased that I have something that will stand up to further revision.
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