With each layer
separated
parted,
blended satins and honeyed amber
radiate ideas of innocence,
mingling with bicycle bruises,
roller skate scrapes,
and cherry lip gloss;
crossing the other with even plaits
and smooth-patterned sheens.
She smiles and places gifts with dimpled grin -
a spark held in her dancing eyes,
as ribbons laid for twining
match a special blouse.
And there
between little girl curls and growing teen broods,
the glint of gold reflected in her eyes
is a moment touching time.
A contest entry
- Notice the unnoticed by Dienush.
900 points, ended July 18, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
-
You have some nice ideas and imagery/detial here but at times I think you went overboard. There's a little too many descriptions here, especially in the first couple stanzas that left me exhausted. Less is more
. Thank you for the entry.
-Kevin -
I like the concept of this and some of the imagery, though I feel a more simple style approach would have worked better. That's just my opinion. To me this poem sounds as if you were talking about a girl who just entered puberty, wrapping and putting matching ribbons on a gift. I may be far from right, but this image that your piece gave me really has a lot of tenderness and meaning and I like that. It also matches the contest concept well, and what we were asking for wasn't that easy so I really enjoyed that. I find this a little wordy, redundant in parts like the first stanza (separated and parted mean almost the same thing). I find the third stanza one of the most powerful parts in this poem. The concrete details have quite a lot of symbolism behind them and they show a lot about this girl. The whole poem is touching and the last line is a great conclusion to it. I like that it's separated like that from the rest of the poem. But, as I said, I think that if you polished your phrasing and trimmed it just a bit, this poem could do a lot more than it already does. Thanks for your entry
~Diana
-
Wild applause goes here.
To a guy with daughters and grand daughters, this is a sucker punch.
"a moment touching time"
I'm going to stitch this into a sampler.
Thanks so much.
-
Nicely written, very reflective imagery and wonderfully formed. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
-
aaww
so sweet! I can see my little one in this story! very image filled piece my friend!
-
Nice imagery!
Brought to us in a cute squeaky little Radio Flyer wagon...with matching ribbons.
Thank you for this personal glimpse Pam.
Paul
-
love the detail, the layering effect, the ebb and flow of even the line breaks
-
Touching.
ooh my a wonderful look at the growing up of one's child. sigh so very very beautiful a wonderful moment captured within your words.
Warm thoughts.
Frozentearz
Adding your comment:
1 - 8 of 8
