I never was able to see past this shadow that is my fantasy; instead I reveled in this blurred version of reality.
I'm held fast by the cutting chains of dependency, which have been forged by the vast void that gnaws at my heart endlessly.
It is from my knees that I scream for some mercy, I yearn for a solace that cannot be stolen from me.
My heart burns from the pain that ravages it relentlessly, the vicious wound inflicted by the jagged knife of insecurity.
My sunken eyes speak of scars etched deeply upon my heart; they silently sing the story of a frightened girl cowering in the dark.
Everything she was and everything she believed always seemed to be swallowed by the shadow of conformity.
She is lost amid the darkness and all that can be heard are her desperate pleas, her crying out for a savior, to lift this shroud of infirmity.
She's stumbling in the ashes of who she used to be, wandering in a field of countless faces trying to recover her identity.
This hollow person she's become, this shattered shell of her former beauty, searches endlessly for some ease, for someone to pierce the cloud of nameless conformity.
A contest entry
- Finaly Someone You Can Talk To About Anything by storiesuntold.
525 points, ended July 29, 2008, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your Best Rhymes by Fire-Fly.
400 points, ended April 18, 35 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what do you like or not like about it?
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
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A very good poem with some lovely language and imagery.
I do think it would have given the poem more visual appeal if you'd broken the lines down - this is just my opinion, of course.
A very enjoyable piece.
Thanks for entering and good luck in my contest. -
thank you for your entry. I really like the end a lot. The whole poem is filled with vivid imagery and emotion.
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nice form, nice rhyming when placed.
Thanks for entering,
Laura. -
I don't know why but the following lines really hit me the most:
It is from my knees that I scream for some mercy, I yearn for a solace that cannot be stolen from me.
Even now, I still have that line stuck in my head. It won't go away either. *shivers*
I noticed that you rhymed some in this which I found sort of interesting.
Best of Luck in the Contest!
A Very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
- Aly
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Out of all that is beauty for Ashes...well spoken with heartfelt,raw emtion...liked the line my sunken eyes eched deeply on my heart...and crying out for a savior. Blessings.
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thanks for the entry, it was a very nice written poem and had a great use of vocab, good luck.
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nice deep poem... first one ive read but i can say you have a great chance ... thanks for the entry in my contest
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I'm held fast by the cutting chains of dependency, which have been forged by the vast void that gnaws at my heart endlessly.
wonderful phrasing and imagery. thank you for entering -
Nice song. I've got a band, i'm a song writer. If you want me to, I'd be more and happy to turn this into an actual song.
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my gawd..what a powerful and vivid poem that was!
What a feast of courage and fearlessness fills your soul
and ink!
I hope your hear every drop of it in you!
ears/Seattle
thankyou for your powerful entry!
welcome to the finalist list!
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Filled with real emotion... I like how you wrote them, with breaks between each sentence, it really does help convey the emotion. Thanks for entering. shya
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As I read this I found myself wondering why you opted not to break your lines up into couplets. However, you may have very good reason and that thought may just be due to my personal preference.
The only areas that I would consider playing with are "a frightened girl cowering in the dark"....it's fine, but I think you could come up with something better. It just doesn't live up to the quality of the other lines. The ending seems choppy to me.
Overall I enjoyed the read and could relate to it quite easily. This constructive criticism is here for you to use or abandon at your will. Thanks for your entry!
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Oooh, wow, definitely very well put. I loved how you wrote this piece. It was so well formed & I loved your use of words. Thank you so much for entering & best of luck to you ! ♥
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Thank you for your entry in the contest. An interesting poem that we had trouble reading as it is not properly formatted.
All the best at judging
Sue and Jeff
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This was a great write. Full of emotion and imagery. Nicely done on this piece. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
Vampy -
Wow; nice write
lovely descriptions & full of emotion
Thanks for entering -
Wow, this is really quite awesome. Some stunning imagery and phrasing. Wicked write, thanks for entering and good luck
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True closing lines. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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A deeply personal and emotional write; hit upon a lot of what I've been feeling lately...
Thank you so much for sharing; I wish you the very best of luck!!
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OMG WOW!~!!!!VERY AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!*breath taken away*
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Strong emotions and beautifully written! This is a great piece I like how you formatted it to it makes if flow very well.
Bravo and Good Luck!
~dawn♥ -
The pain and saddness is evident and so clear. I enjoyed the imagery you created in these words. Nicely done. thanks for entering and good luck
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Emotionally Driven!
Wow! Was this ever a ride! The imagery and personification were both well done. Also, creativity wise, something new and sad! I like this piece! Great job and good luck!
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"My sunken eyes speak of scars etched deeply upon my heart; they silently sing the story of a frightened girl cowering in the dark." what a vivid image you paint with your words. Well done and thank you for this entry
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wow.....this is remarkable. it tells a story but poetically. I love it. the flow and all is perfect as well as the story line within the piece. you did a great job. thank you for entering and good luck.
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this a lovely write and the rhyme scheme is perfect...
good luck in your contests...even though i swear to me this is perfection lol
Dani♥ -
My heart goes out to you
I have felt this way foe a very long time and I ask myself what has happened why cant I find my inner smile my glow for life as I once had. In the asking I reach out a little further each time and grasp something that brings light and life into my life and I think in doing so I will find my place in this world for sure. Its never good to stay in limbo always reach ahead and in doing so and practice with the smile see things that brings yuou joy and know that smile never left it was just never used for a while . Let it shine and in doing so you shall find that light
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You didn't follow my instructions and didn't read the whole page. You have been DQed.
Sorry -
Thought Provoking
VERY interesting.
I like the whole message here, and I can relate very well to this piece...It isnt written in the poetry form that we often see in contests or in general, but then again, if I were to judge you based upon that, it would be conforming more or less so of course, I shall bypass that thought.
Very Nice write, and I can see you spent time on this.
thanks for entering
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