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a Slice of Lemon

Missing image
fredkleinastro.com/moon.htm  Photo: Fred Klein

 

From my pillow I see

a slice of lemon

slip between clouds,

a harbinger of showers

and then the full moon

exposes herself

complete in her roundedness

to my eyes, alone.

 

She winks, she teases,

she tosses me

beneath her wry eye

from warmth of my bed

and I stumble to the ensuite,

see little moon bulbs

dance in the pedestal, unblinking,

till they fragment in splashes.

 

I stagger back through

shadows and shoes;

find the moon's misty face

fawn with expectation

of uncertain devotion and

she dims, eyelashes wet,

fixed frown, half-concealed,

yet she winks once more before

scurrying to the skirt of my curtain.

 

My eyes close on clouds clearing

upon the window of night

and, with unseeing quick eyes,

dream Olympian figures wink

down at me, laugh as they hurl

golden lemons into that unblinking

great pedestal,

the sky. 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

What we want is what goes unwritten. The small things that aren’t related to big existential themes that everyone tries their hand (and pen) at. Just think about your day... what is that apparently insignificant, lovely or even obnoxious thing you do every day but think nothing of? The thing that doesn’t remind you of your lover, make you shiver with fear, or make you understand life. That thing that just is. ~ Prompt.

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Comments

1 - 12 of 12

  • individuality gold member
    August 7, 2008
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    i do not understand how you are so harsh on other people's poetry but in your own poetry you lack style! and i am not being vindicive here but straight to the point - you are forever calling others for not being good enough but where are your poems that are good enough. show me please.


  • Haiku-bless-you gold member
    July 31, 2008
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    HOODWINKED !!!

    Your writing is fresh and delightful to read. I love the descriptive imagery employed and the personification of the teasing moon. Well done!

    You have been Hoodwinked by the Poetic Bandits today because WE CARE! Thank you for being such a positive influence here at AP.

    Dennis


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    July 28, 2008

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    Ignoring the contest (too late anyway), ignoring the prompt, ignoring the notes...

    Pretty good poem. The language comes across a bit precious sometimes, but I think that's because you are winking and smiling at the reader. The images are quirky and vivid.

    The big, orange font, however, is a wee bittie off-putting.


  • lively banter
    July 18, 2008

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    This is pretty nice; I like how you described the moon and the all of the imagery in the poem in general. I also like the active figurative language here. However, I don’t think this poem fits in the contest. The moon certainly doesn’t go unnoticed or unwritten, everyone writes about it. I do think you managed to put an original spin on this subject. Thanks for the entry.
    -Kevin


  • Dienush
    July 13, 2008

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    Hmm. I see a lot of potential in this poem, but to me it seems rather unpolished and a bit like you either didn't follow the contest concept or you concentrated on a detail rather than the actual theme of this poem.
    Anyway, I think the idea about a slice of lemon being a metaphor for the moon is very creative, I like it a lot and the synesthesia of it is strong. I can envision the sky as a glass of lemonade and the moon is the very source of its taste. I also like how you leave that to the reader to figure out. However, the repetition of "moon" doesn't do much for your poem as I read it. Also, the moon is written about quite often and often even cliche, although the way you started off this one could be a brilliant moon poem. The ending made me think you may not have wanted to write about the moon per se, but about falling asleep and the last things you see. I like the Olympian dream motif, although it's a bit too obvious and abruptly stated for my taste. One other thing I liked was the "misty face", that's a nice image, though as I said before I don't really like how you keep mentioning the moon. I hope I don't come off as way too picky, this is just what I was thinking reading this. Thank you for entering our contest.

    ~Diana


  • waydownuponjoy
    July 12, 2008

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    I think that ...

    you have excelled with this poem! It has an unspoken flavor of dreaminess and yearning that speaks volumnes about those 'quiet thoughts' that linger in our half-awake state and seek resolve in a world that is constantly changing like the sky. I applaud you! joy


  • Lady Altheia gold member
    June 29, 2008

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    I like to watch the moon when it is out. Especially on a clear staryy night and a bright moon in the sky. Good luck to you in the contest.


  • HaleyMary
    June 29, 2008

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    This was a beautiful write. I also find the moon fascinating. Sometimes I look at the moon in the night sky and find it amazing how something like that can just exist. Though everything in this universe tends to amaze me a lot of the time. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.


  • sherrilyn1999
    June 29, 2008

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    did you mean suppository? the rest of the poem seems so lyrical and flowing that this rectal placement of showers jarred


  • leo2
    June 29, 2008

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    I share your fascination of the moon and night sky. Your mastery of metaphor and language is something I hope to achieve someday. Good luck in the contest.

    Sincerely,
    Leo Long


  • Amera gold member
    June 29, 2008

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    The imagery in this poem is of the best I have seen you write. The balance of image and motion flow through the entire poem with ease and kept my attention. In S1 I especially like how you gave the moon a female persona. There aer literally thousands of poems about the moon yet you managed to be original avoiding cliché and hyperbole.

    My favorite line is:
    “yet she winks once more before
    scurrying to the skirt of my curtain”

    The only inconsistency I can see in my humble opinion is the word “obsequious”. That word does not seem to go with the vocabulary of the rest of the poem and it becomes redundant as you use the word “fawn” in the next line. Just my humble opinion, you can trash it and chock it up to my inexperience.

    All in all I love the poem and I see that you put some thought and effort into its composition.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • Pamela A Lamppa silver member
    June 29, 2008

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    golden lemons
    unblinking great pedestal - the sky

    to think on the gods looking down.

    This is simply marvelous and stirred wonderful feelings in me. Well done. ~Pamela

1 - 12 of 12