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stateless fears

Missing image







Stone edifice 
resists mossed siege,
bars outside entrance-
leaves me alone inside
self-built indemnity.

Shadows stick out 
forked tongues,
devious licks swallow
shucked aura, 

--breathe out my ghosts
in smoky spirals,
thickening 

dampened room.

Stateless fears knock.
Knobby wood splinters 
under Richter-scale shattering
thumps.

Rigor mortis effects
threaten with continued
immobility. Mouth dry,
I walk to door--
--open
to find   
    ...no one was there

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

30-60 words of imagery, depth, originality, and of course poetry
...i tried!!...

3.)Architecture_Stock_2_by_kohlrimmed_stock

4)
Word Bank:
Must use all 6 but can be derivatives
forked, devious, shucked, swallow, spiral, knobby


6)
"From the Shadows"

In a list

A contest entry

constructive comments are much obliged!!!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 18 of 18

  • GreenHrtPaleMoon gold member
    July 4

    Edit | Reply
    I think I'm falling in love with you...well your vocabulary anyways. *Grins* "Stone edifice" great word. Followed by indemnity, immobility, etc. You also bring an unusual light to familiar subjects, which I ADORE! "Shadows stick out forked tongues." Great phrasing! And your ending was almost comical, but only because I have done the very thing. I should have realized if there was no dramatic music swelling that I was perfectly safe...*laughs*


    • Sailor Ptolema silver member
      July 4
      Edit | Reply
      hahaahahahahhah aww glad youliked..ya...i thought it was a tad funny at the end too

  • penman gold member
    July 2
    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    Powerful creation for the contest. So very well done. Congratulations on the gold.

  • sgking123
    June 29

    Edit | Reply

    excellent

    Most poetry is read top to bottom, beginning to end. With this one I knew that most beachgoers were unlikely to spend that much time before spreading their blankets, so they broke it into stanzas scattered around the beach.... You did about the same.It came out real well.The physical arrangement of the verses means readers don’t know where the poem is meant to begin or end, and you would have to climb both boardwalks and circle the snack bar to take it all in. That seems to lend more gravity to every line — each has to stand on its own.You acheived that well done.Please visit some of my work.

  • crimsondew silver member
    June 29
    Edit | Reply

    Wow

    So creative and scary...you have done really well with this one!Congrats on the gold!


  • Weltt
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    A haunting take on that prompt and soooo wel penned. loved it!!


  • Cannonsfire silver member
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    Oooh this one was quite ghostly, liked it! Love, C


  • notorious silver member
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    Oh God I forgot...
    GOOD LUCK (:
    Not that you'll need it I'm sure!!
    Great write this was.

  • notorious silver member
    June 29
    Edit | Reply

    Chilling

    I like this font...it has a no-nonsense and bluntness about it that works here. And oh my God, you did the word bank? I saw 'shucked' and was like..."Aw shucks, I can't pull this one off!"

    "self-built indemnity."
    Like this...but maybe 'built' could be 'supported' to make it 'self-supported indemnity.' I dunno, I just like the idea of double s- words...but good phrase.

    "--breathe out my ghosts
    in smoky spirals,
    thickening

    dampened room."
    Ooh...I like the boldness of thickening...really plays up its emphasis...sometimes bolding and italics do the trick...way better than dirty pretty.


    "--open
    to find...

    ....no one was there...."
    A feeling also known as...goosebumps...(not like the show...well, maybe some episodes of the show...like the dummy ones. Slappy scared the crap out of me back then, have you seen those episodes?)


    • Sailor Ptolema silver member
      June 29

      Edit | Reply
      geepers cripes!! lol
      you wrote a lot!
      thanks for the lengthy comment!!!
      you're always so kind lol
      glad you enjoyed it

      • notorious silver member
        June 29

        Edit | Reply
        Haha, I don't write that much...I just show which parts of the poem I like, and your poem takes up some room.

        • Sailor Ptolema silver member
          June 29
          Edit | Reply
          hey! lol ya
          it's rather long...i was frantically writing...it just kept coming out haha

  • ShadowsMidnightRose
    June 29

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... You and I used the same prompts! Although your's is much better than mine....Perfectly penned....
    My favorite part was the last stanza

    Good luck in the contest!


  • Angelflower Greeters member
    June 29
    Edit | Reply
    You and me both! Lol.
1 - 18 of 18