The wrinkles left between
us never settled,
only creased;
your after-shave lingers on
pillow tops & cheek bones,
where I lay myself in each
night,
though home wasn’t where
your heart was.
& while I listen
to a sighing dawn,
the friction of myself
against this mattress muffles
a front door whispering to carpet,
its deadbolt teeth clenching,
sealed with a kiss.
On this morning,
I lay between chapped linens,
musky notions with bitten tongues
gossiping to each other;
but some rumors are true:
these threads & I
can both count the ways
we're soiled.
Author notes
My inspiration was mostly from this picture but it has a bit of this one as well, but honestly, it was all this one. haha
ps: Photobucket inspiration sucks. Never again.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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9.4
i felt this.
for this being, in my opinion, one of your weakest poems so far in the contest, this is still one of the stronger poems in this round.
whatever, this was great.
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.....
How the heck did you get something this brilliant out of a picture of sardines????!! That's talent.
I actually disagree with Lizzy and liked it better as "where I lay myself each night", without the in. Personally, I think it flowed better the original way you had it, but to each their own, I guess.
Even though I know you're trying to emphasize "though home wasn’t where your heart was" by having a break, there's something about it laying on it's own that makes me feel awkward every time I read it. But it sort of adds to the mood of the piece. So much for a critique there, I guess...
I loved the phrases "sighing dawn" and "chapped linens".
Overall, fantastic.
Love Always,
Caroline
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interesting title 'laying in the grey area'...clearly explain the bed condition, pillow,chapped linens, mattress and musky notes...hope you can lay down in peace and have a good sleep tonight
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Interesting photo. I wouldn't ever really find a photo of a sardine can exciting and inspiring, but wow. This was fascinating.
I have a couple little critiques for this one.
First:
"where I lay myself in each night"
is a little awkward, the phrasing is kind of off. I feel like it should be "which I lay myself in each night" or something.
Second,
"& while I listen
to a sighing dawn,
the friction of myself
against mattress muffles"
I love the next couple lines after that, but I think mattress should be pluralized so it is a smoother transitions.
But I love the ending... and the deadbolt with a kiss.. Hell, all of it.
It's really good you're on my team.
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