I piled forks
next to the silver spoons
of a pantry drawer
The knives were their own kind
and so I stacked them as upright soldiers
in a fat flower pot that hadn't held
flora in at least a year
All the other things that had
collected dust in my home,
became stowaways in stacks of open faced
boxes destined for donation
Everytime I spring clean
should feel like the freshness
of a new start
But usually I feel more like
I've only circled back on my beginning.
Author notes
Here's my stab at poetry. : )
A contest entry
- you put the poet in poetry. by apples fell.
875 points, ended October 5, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Back to Where I was...... by the tempest.
475 points, ended July 27, 2008, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Bingo
Some poems remind me what poetry is about for me. This one does it.
Basic truth you got there. Luvit. -
Oh how well I understand
I have felt this very way and so often found myself just looking repacking and putting it right back in its safe place . Its a diary in a way one the humanity needs to touch something from that time now so far away yet within the touch brings back to mind that special day .
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Excellent
Ay, housework is never done completely, there is always something for the next day or next month.
Very well written indeed. Thanks for sharing. -
Very well written. I love the analogy to spring cleaning. I have this same exact feeling every time I attempt to clean a closet. Seems like I have more stuff to put back than I pulled out.
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Nicely done, strange how we find it so very hard to let those things go just in case, guess we think we're resourceful! lol. Reads well...no worries!
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Clean and original
charming narrative based on a rare, tiny truth
Luvit.
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Very unique idea, I like it.
I do have a couple of areas that seem not to "fit" for me and remember these are just personal opinions and in no way meant to take away from your creativeness.
[I piled forks
next to the silver spoons
of a pantry drawer]...the word "of" in last line of this stanza feels out of place...I think the word "in" fits better.
[The knives were their own kind
and so I stacked them as upright soldiers
in a fat flower pot that hadn't held
flora in at least a year]... "and so" I think the and could be dropped completely to even out the flow here.
[All the other things that had
collected dust in my home,
became stowaways in stacks of open faced
boxes destined for donation]...the word "All" and "in" stacks...I feel these are not needed at all.
I like the circled back on my beginings line but think it could be preceded by a much stronger line before it, thus adding impact to your ending.
I do like the poem and the concept that brought it about.
☼Becky☼
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Lovely ...and sad
Terrific description of this cleaning.....the act of cleaning seems so often to be a displacement for something else....here i see hope for a different future in the action ..but the result is a return to the same again.
My house is cleaner than anything at those times when I can;t face anyone else or even myself...as a way to stop thinking.
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so I stacked them as upright soldiers
in a fat flower pot that hadn't held
flora in at least a year
These lines seemed to express a great sadness of being alone.
Very well written.
John
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Your stab at poetry? lol You are too much.
You know your poetry has everything I love in it. Everyword has a deeper meaning, and I love to sit and brood over the lot of them for different lots of time. It's like a brain teaser or a riddle, and I live to get it right.
Your metaphore about the knives is extraordinary. Everytime i read a poem of yours I become extremely jealous that I didnt think of the things you did. Okay on this poem Im thinking spring cleaning is a circle back because you're having to throw things away and clean up something that you'd already cleaned up before?
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You know, I really like this one. It's so down to earth and I can see your little forks lined up. It just seems homey and reflective. -Glass
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Hello there. I'm going to leave you a few critical suggestions, as I think they are helpful for any writer. The rest will just be my ramblings and thoughts on your work.
"I piled forks
next to the silver spoons
of a pantry drawer"
- I don't think "of" is the right word to make the transition after "spoons", maybe this would work better:
"I piled forks
next to the silver spoons
in a pantry drawer"
Or "on a pantry drawer". I also think the
"the" before silver could be cut completely.
The second stanza is good, nothing to mention.
The "had" in the third stanza could be cut.
Again, not needed.
The fourth is good also, no mentions.
Finally the ending I felt was a little weak.
I think it's the whole "circled back on my beginning"..."on" is not the right choice I think.
Maybe "to" or possibly some other variable. That just seems like a rather weak line for an ending.
I did very much like your poem. Certainly unique and that alone is well worth the idea of writing in general.
Thanks for the entry and Kenny my co-judge should be around at some point to leave his impressions as well.
;
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AHHH, one step forward ,
two steps back.
I enjoyed this,
It had the flavor of being busy with life,
with just fleeting thoughts of any progress being made.
Which is the way it should be.
Life is what happens,
when were busy living it.
Fresh starts are sometimes anticlamatic,
circling indicates moving,
which you have to do,
to complete the circle
Great piece.
BLESSINGS ALWAYS,
LOWELL
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spring cleaning sucks that is why i don't do it but i admire those who dutifully complete this task every year. i wish you the best of luck in this contest that you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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Good, but some minor improvements perhaps?
I love the content of this poem, the speaker taking into account the ordinary things in life to reflect on life in general. The only things that seemed to disrupt the flow of this poem were lines 6 and 7: I understood what was being described, but the grammatical fluidity was off. May I suggest changing the 6th line by removing the "I". It should read like: "in a fat flower pot that hadn't held / flora in at least a year"
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I like the way this poem works. What appeals especially is the way you have used images in the first 3 verses. I enjoyed the metaphor of the knives being 'upright soldiers'. Excellent!
Is there a typo in this verse by the way? it seems to me that the "I" doesn't belong there:
in a fat flower pot that I hadn't held
flora in at least a year
Your poem has a philosophical and though-provoking ending.
All the very best in the contest,
myron.
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Thanks for a great comment!
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