Tourniquets placate masochistic tendencies,
changing situational ethics into
revolutionary concepts-
A lecture on life, on death.
Deserted hallways lead nowhere,
everywhere really, as scattered thoughts flicker-
your lectures don't get through my addled brain,
I'm trapped inside myself.
I'm just a child in a doorway
sorting through memory lane-
trying, failing, searching for my perfect cure.
Shot or pill, those methods don't work anymore.
So I'm chasing my sorrows because they won't drown,
forgetting my beliefs- nothing can save me now.
After all, who would even bother trying?
Point source leads back towards a mirror image.
This hangman's noose levels another playing field,
brainwashed children led like lambs; destination?
Mindless slaughter excused by inane accusations,
ramblings produced by a reflection's conscience.
"Teacher, Teacher, will you save me?
'Cause I'm slipping through systematic cracks-
scraping my knees, another failed attempt at winning this game.
Please, can you help me? 'Cause suddenly, my worst enemy isn't me."
Author notes
POM Contests.
Theme: "Is this a breakdown or a break through- I'm just "breathing" to know"
A bit ago, you would have found a hell of a lot of whining here. Thankfully I've cleared my mind, and am sucking on cough drops left and right to solve that problem.
Onto my new theme though. It's hard when you have PTSD to see if you're getting worse or better. Right now- I don't think I'm my worst enemy anymore. Not even close. But I don't see it as a break through- blaming society for my problems isn't getting shit done either. Yet sitting in that circle, they said it was a break through, that I was finally realizing that I was too young to save the world.
So I want to know if I'm really getting better or worse. Because I don't think that the Psych always knows.
Cause right now, I'm just living to know.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Hi, and welcome to the POM Contest!
I love to watch the 'changes' occur in the PO' entries, and this month we had several that changed entirely..this is one of them. I'm so happy to see this as the final entry.
Most of what I would say has been covered by Bear's excellent critique.
I agree that you lost your focus a couple of times, but regained it well..which seems quite ironic, considering the theme of this write. Perhaps it was intentional?
Wonderful use of language, descriptive phrases.
I really liked the way you handled this topic, personal, but not maudlin.
My scores will appear in final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Slightly intentional. I had a few spots where at first I thought a different phrase would stay on topic better- but it just didn't hit the same feel.
I'm so glad that I had time to come back and edit this piece- my original version, while not my worst poem ever, was kind of dead.
Thanks so much for the review, and for the time you spend on these contests!
-Les -
Great review yourself Neon!
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excellent
love the style and the content of this piece.we are all permanently searching for an answer really there is no one true way the desire to understand yourself is already a big step along the way.second last stanza reminded me of young soldiers who have been brainwashed into going off to fight in foreign lands.what is PTSD?
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Hello Lillian ~
With the exception of going in & out of Prose' format, you have penned a brilliant piece of Art for our brains to disect ~
Your Flow tends to lead me astray at points....but you sure do a great job at returning to your form and balancing it out ~
The depth here is fantastic.....the feelings are covered in Reader empathy ~
Your 4th & 5th stanzas tend to break the rules of your own style and leave us only for a moment....flying off into stark rambling......but as your Theme suggests.....you are living to know....and we are reading to find out....so....we're even now :)
I have nothing more to critique here, as you have masterd this Theme and placed your own touch of purity on it....I like it........a lot!
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.8....this Title grabs me -
Flow 9.7....long lines, but worthy of my time -
Depth 9.75....definately deep enough to ponder -
Theme 9.9...brilliant -
Feelings 9.85.....I touched base with your thoughts -
Grammar 9.85....did not notice....I was too busy reading a great write -
Presentation 8.9...a tad wordy with long stanzas....but as I said...your thoughts captured me and I did not notice much else -
Uncommonness 9.75...we've had this Theme before....but your appraoch is genuine -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95....excellent job -
Ability to follow Rules 10.....with so many words, and you did not screw up once....I hope all those who complain about the *Banned Filler Word* Rule get to read this, and how it can be done....if they only Challenge themselves as you have done and quit complaining ~
Bears Score: 97.45
I thought this would score higher from my board.....but no worrries....this is still one of the top 3 reads.....for me -
Well done!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Well, I must say, this has changed
quite a bit! AND I approve! lol...much better...and such a better outlook! I love your words...and where you took the poem...it is a worthy contender! My scores will appear in final notes...Best wishes in the contest...and thanks for giving the "heads up" to the other entrants ...again!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on!
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=) I'm glad- I agree, this piece definitely made a change for the better. I'm always happy to give a heads up to other entrants- though I had two people get mad at me this time around. I'll admit though, I normally give a little intro before stating what rules they missed, but I wasn't feeling the best. So I suppose I might have come off harsh.
Thanks so much for the kind comment- and all the time you spend on these contests.
-Les
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I really, really loved the last stanza. It summed up the piece perfectly. I look forward to reading more of your work. Hope you place high in your contest.
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Thank you
Vivid and beautifully depicted. -
you have portrayed your emotions veyr clear though the metaphor got a little loose at the third stanza but still you made it flawlessly your own.. greta job and good luck!
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Superb write, you have portrayed your emotions well within your words. All the best in the contest
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wow what a write.... i dont have PTSD but at one time they thought i did but i didnt go to no circle but now they say i have D I D anyway good luck in the contest....! hugs my friend....!
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Ugh I can relate to this I have PTSD and alot of other things and truly I know therpaist that have therapist so they are the worse lol.And you are right sitting with a bunch of people does nothing sometimes it makes it worse. Many
to you much love
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Post Traumatic sucks. It's the second on the list of 'Things wrong with Lils' >>' I think the list has grown this past year, since I started freaking 'circle time'.. My therapist has a therapist. I found that a month ago.. Kinda scared me.
*hugs*
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