one two three, and here goes the martyr

#1; "i am sinning"


you give me sweat and dirty hands on
patios with pillows that you stole from inside a screen door and i,
watch in amazement as you slide closer to my legs, trying to be subtle.

the air breaks around us, pieces of the sky are shooting across above our heads so we,
collapse and fold into smaller versions of ourselves with our
legs crossed over the cement and i breathe in my
saving smoke, with that smile on my face like "i really, really wish you would go away."





#2; "this will all be reminders of what we were, someday"


slumped,
on a secondary couch.
your arms engulfing me and i am watching through a
close lipped, slit eyes, smile/frown that means that i want you to
please just, back off.
but you take my pretend sleep as an invite to grab behind my
bra strap and start to press your mouth to my,
closed face.

i felt so, there. and even when i pushed away,
maybe i was just pushing too gently because you didn't seem to
understand that that meant,
no.







#3; "to go against you."


i am readying,
my skin pulls into lines and i am allright.
i can do this.

i go to type, my fingers are at keys, starting with an 'h'. or maybe a 'd'.? it depends on
how i feel when i think of you
right now.

i pick my letters carefully,
the prints that have tapped out meaningless words before,
the empty things.
i fall and it is like that time that you didn't tell me
goodbye and i had to find out
on my own.


we get picked up and dropped off,
i walk down empty roads and i don't really want to see you,
but i keep telling myself that i do,
i keep inhaling, moving my feet.
my strap keeps breaking on my shoe, i stumble, you catch me.

you never did that before.


;

so i am looking through a mirror,
and i am picturing the fact that you will probably tear up
your insides trying to hate me all over again.
you will probably sit and stare at what i am going to write to you,
and you will probably think that it isn't real and that i am going to
come back to you in a matter of days.
with my heart, stretched out in my palms and my fingers dragging behind me.
you will probably think that i am a horrible person,
but that is allright, because i am.
i should not have done that, but i am over it.
it is okay now.

you will probably beg me,
and probably say that i am being unfair.
you will probably tell me not to let this go,
not to let you go.
you will probably cry, and try not to show it;
but i just realized that i,
don't care.