Sad life

What a sad sad life I led
Trying to be so cool
While I'm miss perfect in school
Nothing seems to fade
Not the tears or the pain

I convince myself it'll be alright
You'll make it through the night
Just trying not to cry
As days go by

Lieing to myself about the past
Doesn't go away
As I try to put on a happy face
Feeling so worthless
Every single day

What's my purpose in this world?
I've seem to amount to nothing right now
To see the future me
All clean and precise
I don't see that showing
No way no how
Not even for the rest of my life

Seeing pictures of her
Listening to people
Listening to them repeat things over and over again
How she was as a person and a great friend
How much that she loved my stepdad ( while he was drunk)
How many times she does something right
I feel like me and her weren't even alike

What sad sad stories I've said
Hearing them over and over again
I see now how to deal
I was 14 and so young
I didn't know what to do
Or what to say
I never felt okay

She was in pain all her life
But she hid the pain from the world with a smile
It lasted  for a little while

She was sick and not well for 8 months
I've had to take care of her
Even on the weekends
I felt like a fool
Even hiding the pain in school

I was never the same
She wasn't either
She'd laugh and I'd sigh
I'd ask God all the time
Why now
Why so soon

I know it's not my fault
I know who it is anyway
So I blame him everyday
I blame him for almost everything
I blame him for being a drunk
Being an asshole
Even when I'd skipped 2 months of gym class in school

I can't blame him anymore
I can only blame myself
As I try to make everyday and every night
I feel like a loser sometimes
I can't really regret it
I can't really forget it

I blame my sad sad life
But I don't blame her for changing it
I should have cared more when I had the chance
Should of said I love you more
Like when I was little kid

I couldn't help to feel so useless
Like in the hospital
I wanted to confess to her
Tell her how I felt
But I knew it would bring her down
Just seeing a frown

Telling her everything
What I've been doing to myself
Why am I convering up my wrist
But I know deep down she really knew me
Knew I was never in that sort of stage
But it never occured to her
While I said nothing
It all just eventually went away

I kept on trying and trying to fight
I knew everything was not always right
Keeping my head up
When hers was down
I showed some pitty
Not too much or little

My life seems never complete
Only when I think of her
If she lived
How my life would be
How many times I was afraid
Of being myself
Showing how much it hurt to have see her in that bed
Or in the wheel chair
I knew I wasn't right in the head

It's hard to say
What I want out of life
It felt so wrong
To put myself down
By telling no one nothing
No way no how
I felt like a foolish clown

I've seen this sad life of mine
I'd notice the details and all the lies
I know people who've had a harder life
That's why I don't bring nothing up
Or nothing to say
I wouldn't want to be so afraid
Of what people might do or say

Life
A sad one I may add
But I don't want pitty or a simple hug
I want this to be it
To be done with
To show no more pain
But I know it'll never go away