Etched in darkness
playing their game,
fire framed shadows,
call your name.
Empty starlight
severed in time,
moon reveals all
impenitent crime.
Climbing walls
mountains closed,
notes arranged
facts composed.
Minutes tick by
with indecent haste.
Now all demons
must be faced.
Blinkers fixed
staring straight,
falsehood offered
on silver plates.
Starched shirts
squeaky shoes,
your turn comes
who will lose?
Author notes
POM
This came to me while sat in a court waiting room, just thoughts that went through my mind. Hard to explain what I was thinking but hoping the poem says it for me.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Hi, and welcome to the POM Contest!
I agree with Bear. I loved this write from line one, all the way through! I actually didn't care what it was about, I was just enjoying the ride. With the topic exposed in AN, it just became more enjoyable.
One slight hitch in the flow, last stanza, first line..it's lacking a syllable, which throws off the excellent flow that was present up to this point. After contest is over, I would suggest adding a word.."Starched white shirts"..or "Stiff-starched shirts"..just to keep that marvelous flow.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Hello Pink :)
Ok.....this is going to be quick..........
........loved it!
However........had you not told me in your AN's, I do not believe I would have gained knowledge of your Theme from your write ~
....but......since you did tell us......I see every line you have penned clearly ~
Nonetheless.......I do not want AN's to spoil the good news....I want to be able to detect your Theme from your chosen words ~
Hiding this Theme in abstract Genre is quite clever.....but I did not see any point, when your talent is blessed enough to give it to us straight on with out blindfolding the Reader from your meaning/message ~
I see others have responded well to your write.....but I still have to say, it is only because you shared your Theme ~
....this is ONLY my belief ~
So.....I will score this based on how it came across to me in my initial review ~
Good luck Pink....God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.8....I would read this because the Title compells me to -
Flow 9.85...one of the better Flows this POM -
Depth 9.6....since this is something you have to experience..I do not know how deep you could have gone -
Theme 10...I liked it....but I thought it was a mortuary -
Feelings 9.7....came across as dark....but that is good -
Grammar 9.7....great job with chosen grammar -
Presentation 9.85....loved the quick stanzas....nice -
Uncommonness 10....one of the better Themes....after I found out what it was about -
Sit & Ponder Affect 8.8....I pondered for sure -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect -
Bears Score: 97.3
Nice!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Thanks for the great score. I didn't realise that I had hidden the theme quite so much, but then I knew what I was saying..lol. I will try to be clearer in future
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Wonderful unique theme...I have not seen it done...
I really like, "climbing walls...mountains closed"
You did a great job on the rules...and the write! My scores will come in the final notes...Best wishes in the contest!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
Write on!
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Glad you liked that phrase, it represents the possibilities of loosing your freedom, as you can't climb mountains if your in a cell. Court waiting rooms are very bleak depressing places but I tried not to take it to dark
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I love the story told in your write.The visuals are clear, I remember being in a court room, and it gave me the chills, never want to do that again, but will because I am a key witness to a crime,Eeeek, sends chills down my spine just thinking about Lol.I wish you all the best in the contest,the judges are going to be mighty tough on us, but that's the only way we learn to better our writes.
Take care and much love to you and your family.
Your Friendly AP Angel
~Angel-Anne~
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Been in court on all sides of the stand. Loved the use of legendary images, i.e. mountains, starlight, etc against the immediate pettiness, i.e. blinkers, starched shirts, etc. We, human beings, contain all from the tallest richness to the pettiest lie. In the drama and importance of court how we stand and how we fail becomes all to important, particularly when the legal system isn't justice, just a machine that grinds flesh.
Love, Tom B.
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i like what you did here i mean that You have a strong imagination, keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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Outstanding write!! I know exactly what this is talking about, and even if other's didn't the poem would still speak for itself!!
Why do others offer lies that can destroy a person's life.. and the fear that must be felt sitting there I can only imagine!
This tore at my heart hunny.. you have penned something stunning here!!
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This is my favorite from the contest, great flow and it was a pleasure to read. Good luck in the contest.
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Yes... shades of court room drama come to mind ... Intriguing trip into the mind of ... waaaaiting for judgment to come. heh Nice flow to this as well.
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I like it!!!!!!!!! I see a winner on originality, composure, and no rules were broke. This was thought provoking. I wish you luck you shouldn't need.
~Kystal Angel
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I think that this is well written and I like it the thought of being in a court room gives me the creeps. Goodluck in the contest much love
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