Laying on my uncomfortable bed
I see lifeless colors become white
Dreams taunt me as I've always said
because I can not dream a dream sight
Tossing and turning on every hour
I lose myself in thoughtless wonder
A majestic eagle would I be in blue skies
I would soar above all those during nights
People have told me about darkness
yet it has spots which shine brightly
Burrowed deep within minds consciousness
I feel bound by a rope squeezing tightly
Smiling I know these are sparkling stars
who make me close my eyes in hopeful bars.
Author notes
*POM Contest*
Do NOT use the Filler Words, *the, and, is, of, that, to*
Theme - I couldn't dream last night, so fantasized. Then I heard people coming out of the bars and thought some more...Can they see this?
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What to do in an insane world?
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Hi, and welcome to the POM Contest!
Not much to add here that hasn't been address already by the previous judges.
The capping of every line, and no puncuation does affect the flow for me, and I am simply not fond of this structure in poetry, unless it is done flawlessly.
That aside, I really like the ideas expressed here.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Hi there :)
I have to agree with islekine.....repeating words does nothing but take me backwards.....and I want to go forward :)
A filler word snuck in :)
Your metaphores are nice....not too heavy to distract from the write and Theme itself ~
I enjoyed this, because it is fresh material.....fresh ideas and something we can all relate to ~
The Flow is definately choppy for me......your lines seem to have a way of ending.....yet, not ending ~
....I believe this is because of CAPPING each line....a no-no Rule ~
Other than the few things I pointed out.....this is really a nice entry with substance to chew on ~
A tad on the Prose side...but borderline at most ~
Let me get it to the board!
Good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 8.75...cliche'.....I do not think I would tap into this write just by seeing this Title :(
Flow 9.1....choppy....as you know what the Rules say about Capping each line -
Depth 9.2...since this was personal....it is hard to say how deep you went into thought -
Theme 8.75...been done several times.....but your approach is fresh -
Feelings 9.25....I could relate to your feelings -
Grammar 9.8....nice choice of metaphores and grammatical choices -
Presentation 9.3...rhyming seemd to flow in & out -
Uncommonness 8.8....no original....but fresh as I have mentioned -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.95...ouch....not too much to ponder here....sorry -
Ability to follow Rules 9.75....not bad....only one filler word I do believe -
Bears Score: 90.65
Not bad :)
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Aloha and welcome to POM!
"because I can not dream a dream sight
Tossing and turning on every hour"
First things that hit me...dream a dream sight...much more poetic not to use the same word twice...especially so close together..."catch a dream sight" "see a dream sight" I don't know..just something other than dream a dream sight...Also just my opinion. Next line...tossing AND turning...
don't you hate the way those fillers just sneak in on you??? lol...Other than that..very unique take on dreams.....Best wishes in the contest! My score will be in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented.
Write on!
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Hey, fancy seeing you here! A wonderful write hun, love the imagery portrayed. Great theme to, superbly penned. All the best in the contest with it
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that was a good poem good with your mind
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Thank You
These are very hard to write for but worth the challenge and critics.
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