Bright yellow tufts
framed naif face--
ruined cheeks holding breath, forever,
garbling emotion;
Its song swallowed
with blues, [methane chasers],
turned frigid now--
like country coal;
Once it was all jazz,
feathers flapping
in gold-gilded cage--
teetering between tiers;
Winged notes, heralded freedom...
[without truly knowing its existence],
found not in space, but rather in choice;
For cages also keep things out.
But eyes rolled back, revealing white.
Blue murdered by insipid grey,
until black lungs expelled truth--
without music's simplistic beauty.
Author notes
POM
In the past Canaries were used in coal mines to determine the levels of methane gas, if the Canary didn't sing and keeled over dead, the miners knew the levels where too high and would escape the mine before an explosion. This piece is written from the perspective of the sanctuary of a cage, for although the bird isn't used in cold mines any longer, it is still dying from the poisons we let pollute our world. Seems the cage is the safest place to be and offers a different perspective on freedom.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Fabulous
This is so touching! You brought tears to my eyes because the imagery is so vivid. You did a great job of stirring empathy for the little soul and I loved the way your poem flows. You well deserve the recogition for this piece. Congratulations.
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Hi, and welcome to the PO Contest!
Love your write! It's different, interesting, well written.
I agree with Bear about the line beginning with "but"..perhaps after the contest, you could try "now"..I think that works.
Otherwise, not much to say, except I really enjoyed this read.
My comments will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Hi Bunny :)
Oh gosh.....this is such a nice breath of fresh air from the other entries......I adored this write ~
Your metaphores are soft, yet powerful ~
Your Tone is balanced throughout ~
Your Theme is reversed from common canary usage in mines....loved it ~
Each stanza reveals your desire to win this contest.....lots of thought and insight ~
Not a fan of beginning with *But*
Not much to critique here,
.....well done!
Good luck and God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.8...much better than Sing Canary Sing -
Flow 9.85....very nice and easy to get through your thoughts -
Depth 9.9....I enjoyed the mental trip -
Theme 9.75....bordering on reverse Theme -
Feelings 9.1...short in feelings -
Grammar 9.6....simple, yet affective -
Presentation 9.85.....nice...a tad plain with mixed stanzas -
Uncommonness 9.75...bordering reverse Theme -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.85....enjoyed the visionary trip -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 97.45
Great job ~
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Oh so UGH.....I love the poem...
But why oh why did two of you ...choose to write things I've written and entered in PO before....
lol...I wrote one called Canary...same theme ...we use them in the states also! Other than that...I love the poem....not sure about ()....I find them distracting and not really needed...but that's just me! And I am only one judge! Best wishes in the contest...my score will be in final notes! See you next week!
write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your work!
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Oh, my! You make such a profound statement with with the story of this one, little bird!
He starts off, obviously completely caught off guard by this methane cocktail he has been served. His feathers are bright and tufted and he seems so content holding his breath as if to blurt out his next big note---but then we get that word "forever," and we suddenly are surprised to find that something is amiss. His final song was one of unexpected bewilderment-- the blues, indeed! Absolute genius use of that word, in that manner! Kudos!
The image you have made of this little guy, his demise, and then, of course, his once playful teetering becomes an amazing picture of the greater truth. And it can be so true. Often boundaries and restraints serve to benefit us. Yes, they keep us from certain experiences, but also from great harm. To look at a caged bird, one might focus on the captivity. The bird might have been kept from human pollutants and cruelty had he remained caged. We, too, might be kept from all sort of troubling predicaments when we allow ourselves to live withing boundaries.
The emotion of the piece is just wonderful. I am instantly attached to this creature and then to witness his cruel murder and read that final description is just shocking.
Truly moving, and very thought provoking.
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Wow this is awesome, the imagery is wicked. You did really well with this. All the best in the contest with it
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