Soft undertones nudge entry,
five-foot seven over squeaky floors,
placebo counter cons it's tender,
fenders bend, turret bellows.
Peek's bar, set nominally high,
glasses fill daunted sigh.
Pores ooze ... steel swoon,
power, triumph, confidence true.
Scales tight across feather's doom,
night crept through blender-ed womb,
two o'clock, ballistics struck,
pounded stomach, Abrams sunk.
Author notes
*POM Contest*
Theme or Topic: 'drunk on steel'
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I must agree with Bear. It would be unfair to try and judge something that I cannot comprehend. My best to you in all your endeavors! NeonRose
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Hello ~
I can tell you have talent.....but hiding all of your thoughts and meaning inside of other words or reason, is not the way to grab the attention of this Judge......sorry ~
Sometimes, we get Poets through here who are soooo talented, yet they hide their work in heavy metaphores, or hidden in abstract visions.....and to tell you the truth......we don't have the time to disect entries and try to find the cause and reason for your write ~
So.....with that said....I can not score this.....because I would be lieing through my teeth if I thought I could score it fairly ~
I am so sorry......but thank you for taking the time to enter......we really do appreciate your talent.....I just wish I could make head or tails out of it ~
.....and trust me....that's a compliment ~
God bless you,
Bear ~
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After much thought ...
Since my entry seems to be incomprehensible ... I move to DQ my entry. If this is the consensus of the judges, I welcome it with open arms. I will not delete or bow out intentionally due to rules of disqualification for life.
Many thanks for taking the time to consider my entry.
Steve -
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Steve.....don't fret.....just leave it....no harm, no foul ~
Bear ~
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Many thanks for your honest criticism and thoughts Bear ... this poem has more of a personification feel to me ... the guy 'Abrams' going into a bar, compared to the tank going into war. I get carried away with abstractness, but thought I was good until the closing stanza. hmmm.
Now, however, I am aware that the PO contest want more of a direct approach. Many thanks and blessings!
Steve
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Aloha and Welcome to POM!
I must admit...although I don't understand your poem...it reads well...lol...I honestly can not say I understand what you are talking about...is it me? or just that abstract....I have lived on an island the last twenty years of my life...so not sure...Theme is so unique...I don't "catch" as we say here...
Best wishes in the contest! I am anxious to see what other judges say...Hope to see you and your talent back next week....whether I am or not! lol
My score will be in final notes...
write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your work!
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Thank you islekine for your honest feedback ... I apologize that this is hard to understand. I now know PO contests are more about directness in poetry.
Basically I personified a tank going into war with this guy Abrams going into a bar. Many thanks and blessings to you!
Steve
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This is a good, in the top bunch of the contest I'd say. You did a good job with the rules too but you did let one of the forbidden words slip, you still have time to edit though. Good luck in the contest.
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Hmmm ... not seeing the forbidden word ... if you refer to it's, it shows possession rather than being a contraction ...
... of course I just woke up .. so I may be missing it!
Thank you for taking the time to comment and guide me in my 1st POM.
Steve
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whoops I guess you're right.
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Wow this is an intense piece, love the imagery. Wonderfully penned. All the best in the contest with it
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First of all you have to tell me what "Abrams" is lol.. sounds a bit like a drunken haze ending in a drunken mess of steel.. but of course, that's just my thoughts because I'm relating the write to my life!
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Ah ... Abrams is in ref to a tank in US Military and also tis the name I gave this guy in the poem.
Has dual meaning. But yes, you get the gist of the one side. heheh
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A great depth to this... Very abstract in imagery and thought. Weaving a poignant piece to ponder within. Great flow, although the first stanza seems to have a bit less smoothness to the rest. Nicely penned. Best wishes in the ocntest!
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yes yes ... Done on purpose for feel.
Thanks my Perflection for your honest feedback!
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