It happened all at once
conception, birth, day-ending death.
Sweet soul was as it began
when foot dipped toes into eternity,
immersed in spirit stream; an end, yet
life endured against reaping or taking,
persisted despite nature's closing hand;
found a universe teeming light within mysteries
between fluttered falls as if closing eyelids.
Now, merely a seeming thing,
treasure purses upon belted ageless form;
perused lingered sunlight kisses,
unforgettable melodies followed beneath moon.
A willing captivity beholden vast existence
sought freedom only for breath; swallowed
as dots upon canvas bearing all things done:
bold colors blend soft hues an endless sunrise,
deep ebony night by ceaseless tiding darkness.
Love was a word, whispered 'til gently heard
over sands in desert night, every grain a crafted jewel,
within each a scripted dance flowing movement,
moonlight ignited seas filled with gleaming suns.
Time found simplicity within chaos,
hanging thread, bound fabric over things unseen
where ends await yearned for beginnings.
Author notes
*POM contest*
Theme: The hand that scripted life, wrote all other things into existence.
A contest entry
- Pre-write-a-pal-ooza by Nicole Hanna.
300 points, ended July 8, 32 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Hi, and welcome to the POM Contest!
I think this is lovely! Not really new, but lovely all the same.
Great imagery and use of language. Some of your lines are quite beautiful.
I really can find nothing to critique here. One of my favorite reads in this series.
My scores will appear in final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Hello ~
This write started off like something I thought I was going to fall in love with.....and then....your words just left me trying to figure out where you wanted to go with this piece ~
You were on the right track to start....but as I told the last Poet....I went no place at all....and you did not leave any impression upon me.....mo Power.....no Impact ~
I love the Theme idea....as I am a Christian....but you did not impress me with anything new ~
Everything I read was already in my brain as old information.....I wish you had dug deeper into the reason for this Theme.....and not hid all of your ideas in Imagery ~
Let my board speak the rest....good luck and God bless you!
Bear ~
Title 9.55...Not bad....I believe I would read this from the Title -
Flow 9.1...Long lines.... read very prose -
Depth 7.5...took me no place -
Theme 8.6...I wish you had dug deeper -
Feelings 8.75...nothing stood out to me -
Grammar 9.0....simple....but free verse tone all the way through -
Presentation 8.75.....formatted like FV -
Uncommonness 8.0....common Theme.....tooooo common -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.1....I enjoyed your thoughts....just not deep enough.....for me -
Ability to follow Rules 10..perfect -
Bears Score: 88.35
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Aloha and welcome to POM!
I so enjoyed your words and theme...although not unique in theme...very unique in thoughts and style...
As for the style of write, I found it to be on the edge of prose...Now, I am by no means an expert...but
it just read more prosish to me...The way you have the lines broken, does not help the flow..IMHO...but I am only one judge....My score will be in final notes...
Thanks so much for a thoughtful creative write!
Best wishes in the contest...
Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
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Aloha and welcome to POM!
I so enjoyed your words and theme...although not unique in theme...very unique in thoughts and style...
As for the style of write, I found it to be on the edge of prose...Now, I am by no means an expert...but
it just read more prosish to me...The way you have the lines broken, does not help the flow..IMHO...but I am only one judge....My score will be in final notes...
Thanks so much for a thoughtful creative write!
Best wishes in the contest...
Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented!
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Beautiful descriptive piece PK, excellent imagery and flow, I loved the write and the deep thought that went into each stanza, quite captivating. Excellent piece, hugs, Bunny
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I really, really like this line 'when foot dipped toes into eternity'. The concept of birth, life and death is so well shown here.
Aestehte said it very well in her comment, she saw what I see in this poem.
I don't know what you going to do, but I wouldn't change a thing here just for the sake of a contest, that would be like rapping art.
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And of the are all used multiple times here... You aren't allowed to use these words.
Other than that.. good luck -
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Ok-
i misunderstood, I thought the idea was to get rid of words that had no purpose... not just to ban some words...Hmmm... reminds me of something:
Hamlet:
What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable,
in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like
a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet,
to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me—
nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.
Rosencrantz:
My lord, there was no such stuff in my thoughts.
Hamlet Act 2, scene 2, 303–312
In the musical Hair...I remember another verse appeared [this is from memory here...forgive the errors] :
I have of late, but wherefore I know not lost all my mirth,
this goodly thing the earth seems to me
a sterile promontory;
this most excellent canopy the air above you
this brave o'er hanging firmament this majestical roof threaded with golden fire...
while it appears no other thing to me than a vile and pestolent congregation of vapors...
what a piece of work is man...
how noble in reason[fade]
i am not a picky person, but Shakespeare has some small claim to poetry too, and these forbidden words are repeated throughout and add quite a bit of poetry
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I agree- They can add a lot to them poem... But more often than not, most people just use them as filler.
It's not my rule either- I just try to pop around and help people out so they don't lose point on that.
Realizing now I came off as harsh yesterday to more than one person.. But I'm sick and my mind just wasn't grasping the 'you should be nice' thing
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This is an awesome piece, wonderful imagery portrayed within your words. I do see tho rather a lot of banned words in there. You cannot use *the, and, is, of, that, to* in your poem, as per the rules. Would hate to see something this good loose points. All the best in the contest with it
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Ahh, good point, thank you...PK
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Excellent start. Wonderful flow. Love the direction you took and the content. Well done, brother. Write on.
Dez
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While sensing the creation of life,
existence fighting to stave off non-existence,
I tend to be captured by the shining image
of grains of sand, each seen as a "crafted jewel"
which then the moonlight ignites as
"a sea of gleaming suns."
Captured, indeed.
Superb, poet.
Aesthete
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