Sneaking, creaking on the stair
terror seizes Teddy Bear
Laboured breath outside the door
tip-toeing across the floor
Shivering she wets my leg
"not again", I hear her beg
covers falling far away
Teddy Bear can't run away.
Lying there I wonder why
she will neither scream nor cry
eyes wide open, mouth tight shut
vomit churning round her gut
Teddy Bear gets tossed aside
Father's kneeling, legs astride
door flung open, Mother's there
silent screams chilling warm air
Golden Teddy, speckled red
Father lying, stone cold dead
kitchen knife falls silently
deathly silence sets them free.
Author notes
POM contest Abuse from a Teddy Bears viewpoint
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Hi, and welcome to the POM Contest!
What can I say! This left me gasping! The rhyme scheme added to the horror of it all in away that I can't even begin to explain, but was very powerful.
Bear has pretty much said it...this is fantastic! I didn't even notice the filler words, and usually they jump out immediately. The poem just carried through so well, that they were invisible.
Best entry I've read so far!
My scores will appear in final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Hi Ros
With the exception of a few Filler Words....you have nailed this contest for Impact.....Power.....Focus on Theme....Creativity.....Lasting Impression......and for Pete's sake.....you kept it all in good rhyme scheme.....now THAT, is the way you get the Bears attention!
I have nothing to add to thisc ritique....the write speaks for itself and carrys itself with no help from suggestions ~
If you continue to pen like this....you will make my life sooo much easier :)
Standing ovation!
Good luck & God bless you,
Bear ~
Title...10...Grabbed me from the first time I saw it -
Flow 9.9...I only had to read this once and the Flow was flawless basically -
Depth 9.9....you alomst went over to free verse....but your rhyme and Tone kept it clean -
Theme 9.6....I have seen this done many times.....but the way you did it turned my head -
Feelings 10...grabbed me and did not let go -
Grammar 9.9...bone chilling -
Presentation 9.9....quatrains are nice....but emphasis in a triplet or couplet would look nice breaking this up a bit -
Uncommonness 9.75...not so much uncommon....but the way you kept me reading was amazing -
Sit & Ponder Affect 9.95.....my mind is still racing through what I read -
Ability to follow Rules...9..25....only found a couple ( 3 ) of banned words used -
Bears Score: 98.15
Nice job!
No editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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I do thank you did well with this piece there are a few filler words in here but it is still a good piece . I had to check again but the word the is a banned word goodluck in the contest
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Oh my!!!!
Is this poem going to score big on impact or what? lol
I had no idea where this was going...never would have guessed...The rhyme and flow are great....
only thing I can suggest is ...
"kitchen knife falls silently
deathly silence sets them free."
finding a different word for either silently or silence....Best wishes in the contest!
My scores will be in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry!
Write on!
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I really enjoyed this. A great write. I think at times it is kind of awkward though, and the flow is off every now and then. But it's a really good flow when you nailed it. Good luck in the contest.
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There are many writes like this around but you have really put a unique spin on it, well done. A painfully sad piece but so creatively penned. All the best in the contest with it
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this is so sad to read. this would be a good write to help children in this situation, that is not an easy thing to accomplish but you have done an excellent job at it. thank you for sharing this with me tonight and i am looking forward to reading more from you in the near future. i wish you well in this contest that you have entered. viyanna rosemarie
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Ooh dear lord!!! this was amazing.. I mean it was sad and almost violent but you created such a vivid image.. and the emotion in this was so intense.. You really amazed me with this write.. I wish you the best of luck..
Angel
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Very nice,
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Stark and chilling. Great work poet!
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Some sort of importance of that unimportant Teddy
Very TEDIOUS it's, alas! -
Fatally Fabulous!
Perfect rhyme and great meter. Chilling to the bone in graphic imagery. Child abuse shown from a unique perspective. Can't see how it won't turn gold.
Congrats,
DeGraw
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