In evening's haze, with setting sun
bovines, indian file, plod.
Driven by unseen forces inside
searching for comfort, relief.
Cool,damp, barn smells sharp
contrasting nightime's softness.
Arriving in appointed places
each animal awaits sweet release.
Warm hands, soft voices
sooth, breed contentment, peace.
Udders stretched tight crave depletion
from nightly ritual, centuries old.
Milk, warm, frothy, rich
pings against cool metal buckets
while chorus line kitten dancers
hungrily watch, singing noisily.
Bellies full, bags empty
another day complete.
Crickets lead dusk's magical orchestra
as America's heartbeat slows.
Author notes
evening on a dairy farm
P.O. contest (hey yall!!)
banned words - the, and, is, of, that, to
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
2750 points, ended July 1, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I like the way this is written. It pulled me in and took me right into the barn with them!
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Hey there :)
I have to agree with both Judges who have come before me.....the Theme is cool....but the facts are a tad off ~
Not to worry....the rest of your Imagery and Lasting Impression will make up for that area of your work ~
I enjoyed this....gave me a light feeling of where I was raised.....yup....on a farm ~
Thank you for the journey you took me on.....lots of visions to ponder here ~
:)
*sooth* is spelled incorrectly....should be....soothe..>> http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/soothe
Over-all...I liked this....made me smile :)
Not as Poetic as I would have liked.....but I still liked it ~
Space after *cool*....2nd S....1st L ~
Just needs a tad bit of editing to perfect this charming piece :)
Good luck & God bless,
Bear ~
Title 9.4...I think the Title is enough to draw Readers in...however, I would have thought it was metaphoric....then found out it was simply part of your Theme -
Flow 9.8...nice....but try to slow your Reader down a tad more.....even though this is a fun read!
Depth 9.85...lots of info....good job -
Theme 9.9....I enjoyed it....but I would have liked to see it in more of a Poetic Form & Tone -
Feelings 9.5...not sure who's feeling were discussed...hehe -
Grammar 9.35....simple....and some metaphores would have been nice in here -
Presentation 9.85....nice quatrains....but could use a triplet or couplet to break things up some -
Uncommonness 9.75....I've seen writes on animals.....but this does present itself as fresh -
Sit & Ponder Affect 7.75...nothing to really ponder here -
Ability to follow Rules 10...perfect from what I can see -
Bears Score: 95.15
Nice job....no editing once a Judge has touched your work ~
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Hi Bear! thanks for the comments, you know I respect your opinion. I knew this wasn't one of my best writes. I had been working everyday for over 2 weeks and had not written anything in that time. I was amazed at how hard it was to "get back in the swing of things". I'm looking forward to the next PO. I plan on coming back stronger next time! Thanks again!
Kathryn
BTW, this was not my first entry. It was the first one I wrote, but then decided to go a different direction, then decided against that and put this one back in! lol did you by chance read the other one? It was the cow talking..... it wasn't very good, but I thought I'd see what you thought. I'd give you the link, but I just realized I never saved it on this site and when I went to where I had saved it.....it's gone! oh well, it wasn't very good anyway! lol
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Hi, and welcome to the POM Contest!
Well, I guess the title could be considered an attention-getter,
but it sort of turned me off. Not a pretty visual!
I've seen your writes often, and this is not one of your best, but still a good strong write.
Someone mentioned morning milking..well, cows are usually milked twice
daily, so your premise is allright. I don't know that they are un-
comfortable, though, or that they particularly look forward to milking,
so I was a little concerned with your premise regarding that.
There is nice imagery here. I like the chorus of dancing kittens,
in particular.
Over all, a good write, with pleasant contents, aside from the title,
which I already mentioned.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember! No editing once a judge has commented!
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Aloha! Kathryn
And good to see you again! I really love your theme...
and imagery....The flow is choppy to me...first time,
and second time reading....Other than that...so far a very worthy entry for POM....Hope to see you again and again...Best wishes in the contest! My scores will be in final notes...
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has commented on your entry!
Write on!
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I really like this a lot. However, I always thought the morning was when the cows were milked. Really good job. Shancy.
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actually, they are milked morning and night
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Hehe I love it, superb write. A great theme, good luck in the contest
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You didn't use the filler words the first time- and then added them the second time
Don't fill *That
Also
while you're at it- you need some sort of punctuation here I think..
Funny poem thoug -
Very cute and Bessie thanks you...
Ken
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Great job on following on all the rules!
Unique theme... I can't notice anything wrong.
Good luck in the contest
-Les
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