A mother and her child,
Father gone way to war.
She tried not to let,
her eyes pore.
But the more she tried,
The more she gave in.
The harder it was,
To go through the wind.
Her child to young,
to understand,
what it meant to be,
without a father at hand.
The months Passed by,
The years did too.
And soon the Dark,
Was all she Knew.
The Fever was to strong,
Cause it killed her Kid.
But whats she to do,
Shes the widow that lived.
Her child gone...
Her husband dead,
All she had left,
Were the thoughts in her head.
The war was to harsh,
On this young family,
Leaving the weakest behind.
But what is she to do with the thoughts,
that were left in her mind?
Author notes
Um...
well a long time ago i was in class and one of the assignments was to write a poem about the war and it started like this one but my computer crashed and i through out the paper that it was on so i finally rewrote it it is completely different but totally better!!
~Thanks for all ur help!
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Spell Check...Please!, My computer is silly, and for some reason it doesn't work.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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WOW! What a great tale! The only thing I wished for was more detail because you've written quite a compelling story (I'm a sucker for a good story, lol!) Great job! Very creative! Thanks for entering!
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Ok so, you have a nice idea here. This is a topic I am interested in. You just need to dig deeper. To show instead of tell. Go do some research about this. Read articles about how it’s like for mothers who got stuck caring for the kids all by themselves while the husband is out at war and how it’s like for the kids. There are lots of them, and they all have exact and concrete detail of how it’s like for them in that situation. Use those articles as inspiration and borrow their detail to create scenes in your poem. Instead of saying “A mother and her child, father gone way to war,” describe what the fatherless house feels and looks like and how the mother and child feel. What does the mom have to do differently than she did when her husband was home? I hope this helps. Expand your ideas; create imagery and vivid scenes instead of telling us what’s going on. Let us fill in the blanks instead of you being so obvious.
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u shuld check out the rest of my pomes if u think this one was to obvious
like "never fall in love"
or "just one of theses days"
like i said n the AN it was a poem i had written long ago and i just had to rewrite it it was killing me not rembering the whole thing so i took wat i rembered wrote it down and filled in the blanks.
back n 7th grade i did ther reserch i DOn't wish to do it again!
thax n-e way
i do a-pre-she-ate (how ever u spell that word) what u r saying. and i was kinda going for the "u amagine it" kind of thing
cuse the kid doesn't understand what it was like to have a father, not that it really mattered he died yong! Thanx n-e way
really do a-pre-she-ate u taking the time to read and comment!
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this was very good, i do have a couple sugestions, though. i think your rhythm and rhyme scheme lacks a little consistency, and revising this would make the poem much better. Also, just some simple spelling errors that the computer spell check couldn't catch. for instance, in line twenty-nine you wrote 'where' instead of 'were'. Besides these small things, you did an excellent job.
thank you for an engaging read!
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"i think your rhythm and rhyme scheme lacks a little consistency, and revising this would make the poem much better."
a quote frome u
now how do i do this?
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Its good, but the rhyme and rhythm has a little to be desired. Also, too much or too anything is spelled with 2 o's. Other than that great job. Its a terribly sad situation, but you penned it very well. Awesome job!
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Yeah, the where's and were's need to be fixed but this is really good!
I gotta say this was very sad ~ and I could actually see it happening which might not be a good thing, but for the imagery side of it, wow. I love the question at the end. I think that it gives the write emphasis ^^
Good luck with your entry
Claire x
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were, not where. like "dude, where's my car?"
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