Alone in the darkness; feeling blue.
Lying on my cozy bed,
Under the covers was I,
Savory thoughts invading my mind.
In my heart was a burden; a grudge with no motive.
I dream big, was it my foe.
I plan future, was it a mistake?
Music we played, were so beautifully,
Replaying in my mind.
How could I neither pause nor delete?
In your life, my presence; was it a pleasure or a torture?
You just wanted to depart.
For a matter which you say is, ‘undisclosable’.
In what sense was it undisclosable?
Don’t just be reasonably unreasonable.
For the matter must be sensible.
Must have I realized then,
The faults in love, trust and faith.
Was I blinded by you?
I must have been dosed by you,
This must be a, ‘delusion?’
This whole complicated thing.
I want to apologize,
For letting my selfish self to torment you.
It must have been my expectations.
Which must have slaughtered your faith?
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
845 points, ended August 14, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
ok.. thanks alot for the comment .ill remmber ur advice
-
I think you relied on questions way too much here. I personally feel that questions in poetry don’t work at all, and here, you used them like crutches as if the poem had broken legs. Another problem I noticed in the poem is the excess word usages. You could have said the same thing in your stanzas with fewer words and you’d have a more powerful and effective poem. I’d suggest cutting out most of the prepositions and –ing words. This will help the poem a lot and also cut down off of the telling feel in this. There are too many descriptions here. You do have a good idea here; you just need to work with the presentation. Instead of asking question, add more vivid details and show instead of tell the reader what went on between you and this person.
Adding your comment:
