She'll be wearing them in her hair
even if she picks them while
the flower man himself is watching.
Summer snuggles down upon us
getting comfortable, nuzzling our necks
before it brushes our lips
with warm, sweet breath.
Its newness is exhilarating; although
we’ve been friends a time, suddenly there’s
a deepening closeness that makes
queen anne’s lace brim on the brink
of sun-shaped bloom.
She bends to pluck the perfect lily,
careful of the buds she’ll savor
in the days to come, and there’s
a giddiness in it. The wind
licks her, cheek to forehead as
pin and flower tuck carefully
behind an ear.
In the thick evenings, she
feels heat lightning tingle
hairs on her arms, its
vibration a deep voice in her chest:
the song of promise and
possibility.
She studies the small sparrows of
the city; they swoop and flow
trying to land on the vertical
of the building, but find jointed concrete
too insubstantial for a foothold.
In an instant, she abandons the whim to land
and flies off, flashing orange brown
breast between the beating of her wings.
In the blue dusk, she’ll follow the sparrow.
Landing then alighting, learning new street names,
smoothing fabric over new knees,
entwining fingers with new fingers.
From the sky she watches the rows
of red stemmed seedlings push aside
a few crumbs of earth. Their delicate double leaves
emerge in her, one joy after another
after another, after another.
Author notes
Hulali
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
845 points, ended August 14, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tired of HM's? (IV) by PatheticKt.
300 points, ended August 14, 2008, 7 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Reviews Appreciated
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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this was nicely written
i liked the images you painted
goodluck in the contest
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Such beautiful and peaceful scenes here that the persona were in.
It gave a bit of problem for me to follow, though because the intervals here were maybe too quick for me to focus on each scene while reading another scene- I wonder if that made sense ^^'
Anyway, not much of a problem with the theme: I love the subtle serenity within the lines penned in this piece
Wonderful write here is what I say
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I love the imagery you have used and your precise word choices. In particular, I really like how you have personified summer in this piece. Very original voice.
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This is very nice. The imagery is wonderful without being stuffy. I think it’s pretty hard to write about nature without sounding cliché, especially flowers and this doesn’t come off as such. You created some really excellent imagery with the nature idea, like the wind licking her. The first three lines are absolutely beautiful. I love the character study in here. I come away with a real sense of this woman’s personality and you did this without saying what she is like in exact literal terms. You tell us about her with great observant detail instead. I’m not sure if the words “promise” and “possibility” should be capitalized. Do you think they deserve that much attention? I think the last stanza is a little bit weaker than the rest of the poem. It feels like the descriptions are overpowering the stanza. I mean, look at all of those commas. When your stanzas look like you need a lot of commas in them, it’s a good signal that let’s you know you are trying to say too many things in that stanza. It starts to read as a grocery list. I’d suggest keeping the guts of the last stanza but cut down a little bit of the descriptions. As it is, it makes the ending just pass the reader’s mind without a second thought. Cleaning it up will make that lovely ending to this lovely poem shine more. Oh, and I’d suggest using a different word than ‘alighting’ it’s too close to the word ‘lightning’ that shows up earlier in the poem. I hope I was able to help some. This poem was beautiful.
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You're right about the capitals, by the way, thanks.
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Yep. Wow, so you chose to turn the last stanza into two different ones too? I think it reads better now .
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thanks for the great critique. I will take a good look at that last stanza.
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wonderful
Thank you very much for featuring this wonderful poem. I love the closely-observed details and images you have crafted here. I am also impressed by the poetic devices you have used in this poem - metaphor, personification, interesting line breaks, and pure imagery.
I also like the fact that I'm taken on a lovely journey, not knowing for sure if I'm following a woman or a bird; I love the fact that the poet leaves this up to the readers' own interpretations.
There is an uplifting and optimistic feeling in this work - there is love and discovery and excitement and many possibilities.
I'm very glad I clicked on the title - it drew me into the poem.
The voice used here is mature and sophisticated. I'll have to read more of your work.
Thanks,
Myron.
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The breaks in the lines cause a problem with the flow, add to this the flow itself in the work has problems and you have a poem that kicks the reader around leaving them beaten and left on the roadside for dead. Work on both the flow: probably by adding more verbiage, and where you put the breaks to start another line in your work.
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