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the stench



you've come & gone like the rain;

cloud cover changes-
it's all the same monotonous evolution.

you come across as more than
average joe-

but that's evaporated-

& cracks remind me why i shouldn't
drive these highways with expactations
of any smooth rides.

really, you're just as violet as the sun
only in my dreams-

and still you tell me you'll be back-
but word on the street is that you lied-
like a skunk's carcass.

five days without any conversation;

believing you is like weaving my way
through construction zones.



Author notes

blahhh
i dont know
i was kind of careless when i was writing it
and the metaphors are lame-tastic

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • F a t i m a
    October 2
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    woah ! quite a s t e l l a r write....rrreally loved these lines haan *just wow* x)

    "really, you're just as violet as the sun
    only in my dreams-"

    "believing you is like weaving my way
    through construction zones."


  • GreenHrtPaleMoon gold member
    July 22

    Edit | Reply
    get rid of 'its all' second line. It feels like filler. And, if you're really good, find a way to work out 'the'. maybe work another word in like 'tedium?' 'tediums of monotonous evolution' meh. My line doesn't really get the point across. So I digress. I thought the ending was pretty good, and some of the metaphors were good. But I have to say it was def not your best. But that's cool.


  • Empty Days
    July 5

    Edit | Reply
    A venting write...interesting. it sounds more like sadness then frustration. It's totally a great start of something you could eventually add onto.
    Your use of metaphors are a unique choice that definately keep the reader going.
    "believing you is like weaving my way
    through construction zones".
    These lines I truly liked the most due to constructions zones are unending and almost everywhere.
    You could really feed off those last two lines.
    Thanks for the write!
    ~Night


  • Elora Danon gold member
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    Some really good stuff in here.

    "really, you're just as violet as the sun
    only in my dreams"

    Maybe switch the word only to another place?

    "really, you're only as violet as the sun in my dreams"

    - expectations in line 8 (spelling)

    -get rid of the "and" at the beginning of line 12 and the "any" in line 15, they are extraneous and the piece would be tighter without them.

    Just my two cents. Feel free to chuck them to the curb.

    Strong writing as always Tyler.

    e~


  • autumns rising
    June 30

    Edit | Reply
    "& cracks remind me why i shouldn't
    drive these highways with expactations
    of any smooth rides."

    loved it!
    good job


  • apples fell gold member
    June 26

    Edit | Reply

    Why the symbol for "and" in the poem only once, kind of random? I can see why you don't think this is as strong as some of your other writing. It does sound kind of like you are trying to vent, which might come off a little cliché at moments. However, I loved the skunk carcass stanza. Very neat. The second line after the first might be a little awkward, three "c" words real close together creates a sound issue for me. Just opinion though. One of your strongest parts is the last two lines. Nicely done with that idea.

    I like this man. Though it could use work, etc.
    It is still very much your voice.

    ;


  • Lj-
    June 26
    Edit | Reply

    I like it it.
    The comparisons are interesting.

    Nice write.

  • ratkos
    June 26
    Edit | Reply
    the imagery was good with unusual examples. i liked it!
1 - 8 of 8