My bed, feels soft and wonderful
But still, sleep alludes me
I stare at the ceiling
Twist and turn within my sheets
Blank eyes staring
Mind whirling
Hurtling through thoughts
Like a bullet through air
Only to collide
Slamming through flesh
Crushing through bone
To puncture your heart
And settle within the left ventricle
My new home
Now I settle at last
Peace fills me as I drop
Falling into the deepest slumber
Relaxing into a sensation
That is unlike any I have known
For it is with you
Within you
That I find my peace
My mind can slow
My breaths turned even
My body becomes limp
I find my comfort
With you
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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i love this, that's all i can say. left me rather speachless, really.
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I like this, the idea behind it. The way thinking about him/her gives you the peace you need to sleep. A few points to consider:
the first comma (after "my bed,") is unneccessary. Also, the word "wonderful" is kind of weak. It ends the line, so give something that pops more.
In general, you could do a better job of "showing" rather than "telling." You twist and turn... like what? You relax into a sensation... what kind of sensation?
My point is, try to throw in some more metaphors, more images, so the reader can visualize it, experience it, rather than simply read it.
Hope this doesn't seem harsh. Tried to be constructive. -
Beautiful and very well written. Ty for sharing.
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I loved it, I think it flows well. My only change would be the last line from "With you" to maybe "within you", and take out the "within you" in the stanza above.
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I liked this poem. It begins with our subject restless and unable to find rest in sleep. It progresses from that "tossing and turning" tone to one of drifting off to a sweet slumber... I would just change "alludes" to "eludes" (I think that word has a definition closer to the point you want to convey"
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I love the metaphpors in the poem. It only adds to the haunting tone this poem brings to you. It is really something. Gratz on this poem, you did really well.
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For it is with you
Within you
That I find my peace
My mind can slow
My breaths turned even
My body becomes limp
Powerful sentiment in these last lines. Interesting metaphors. It is hard to find peace sometimes. great refreshing write. ~mandie~ -
Interesting metaphor.
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good job
This was very poetic, we all like and deserve refreshment, although im not sure whether you thentie in another to to the reception of life or if you are speaking of your left ventricle the entire poem, however I know this is enterteining.It seems to me the ventricle is a symbol for getting outside oneself and ones regiment of responses,that much I take personaly from the poem. thanks for posting
donutninja
donutninja -
Lovely Sentiments!
A nicely penned poem of love.
Thanks for sharing,
Regards,
DeGraw
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