Welcome to the opening of my heart
Gaze upon it as it falls apart
My body is open for all to see
As you all ponder at my misery
You all see the blood pumping
As the demons throw my sanity out
I see you all jumping
Hard to understand what lies in front of your eyes
I see my mom’s face pouring of tears, oh how she cry’s
You figuring me out has come too late
Never going to be in a happy state
The face you all come to know
Was, the forefront of all my sorrow
A contest entry
- Fire and Ice by Salig Flicka.
455 points, ended July 27, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
If You Don't Understand, Please Message Me
Comments
-
I think the rhyming kind of took it's toll on the overall emotion in this. The first stanza had me inches from my monitor, but the second one kinda broke the spell and made me take a step back. If you were to edit this at all, I would suggest keeping the first stanza the same but then editing the rest so that it goes along more with the feelings from the first. It kind of feels like you just wrote the rest with the intention of writing a rhyming poem instead of actually sharing your emotions. I like it, but it could be better. If you do change it, let me know so I can re-read it. Good job and good luck!
God bless,
~Praise~
Adding your comment:
