Creation met concrete -
my crystal ball cracked
into intricate spider-vein designs,
capillaries inhibiting visions
of a future too distant to reach,
of an end too close to ignore
Cassandra's lost her sight,
Icarus has burned his wings
the Sun scars us all
(our retinas imprinted
with grapefruit sunrises
and peach sunsets),
but the Earth splits open
and swallows every vessel,
as the crystal ball shatters.
Author notes
Couldn't resist. I love Plath.
But yeah... this is probably not at all what you're looking for.
In a list
A contest entry
- ennui by ellipsist.
450 points, ended July 15, 2008, 8 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you really think. Criticism welcomed.
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Glad Jess referenced this one- I didn't fully understand Madame Plath's poem, but women always confound me. Easy read, I loved the variety of references and vocabulary and it never lost its flow.
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This is just amazing.. The imagery is so well detailed, allowing for such vivid perception to thought.
"Creation met concrete -
my crystal ball cracked
into intricate spider-vein designs,
capillaries inhibiting visions
of a future too distant to reach,
of an end too close to ignore"
I just adored those lines, the meaning - the appeal so very poignant and thought provoking. An excellent write from start to finish!
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Oh, beautiful. I would suggest changing the comma after "Cassandra's lost her sight" to a semicolon- "Icarus has burned his wings" isn't a continuation of the same phrase or thought, but the imagery here is beautiful. I would also suggest putting a blank space or two at the end of the poem in order to make it look as though it doesn't stop abruptly, but the words are fantastic. Congrats on the bronze, it was well deserved.
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well I like the metaphors but I think it could be emphatized a bit
anyways thats just me...
the choice of words and metaphors was veyr well chosen and very well penned.. nicely done!
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the first line is a real hook ... love the image of the crystal ball. the last section of the piece seems to offer hope that the earth will bring to fruition the fantasies of the crystal ball.
even though I love mythology, that stanza seems to me out of place.
thank you for this excellent write and congrats on the bronze.
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Wonderful work here and congratulations
to you on your trophy for this write.
Keep it up and thanks a lot for sharing
it!
Jeremy0826 -
Nice write. Congrats on the bronze trophy on it. Liked this especially:
the Sun scars us all
(our retinas imprinted
with grapefruit sunrises
and peach sunsets),
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Okay, look- I completely love this poem. Everything about it.
There is so much imagery, I loved that you used mythology (and grapefruit! So craving one now!) This poem played out inside my mind like a movie. I hate to sound all cheesy, but it really put alot of different emotions stiring within my chest.
Keep up the good work.
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Cassandra! ICARUS! *loves you forever...in the non-creepy-NOT-stalker way* I wrote a poem about Icarus just today actually, not that that has anything to do with your amazing work. Very intelligently done. I'm impressed.
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Muahahah was my nomination...awesome poem
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fantastic imagery
congrats on the trophy - this one deserved it
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I always reread this one in awe.
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Wow. This is an excellent poem. Wow.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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I like this very much, the references to Plath and mythology are well done and don't hinder the poem. The first line I find very effectual, and full of fast visual imagery. I picture a watermelon slamming into concrete, after being dropped from a roof. Can't explain why, though lol.
This is wonderfully writ.
-joan.
.
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Bookmarked!
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This needs to be featured =D
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Oh, you have done this so well. Very Plathlike indeed. I love this poem and the whole notion of the cracked crystal ball as it foreshadows your implied doom.
Good luck in the contest.
Garrison
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the third stanza makes this piece for me - I like the repeated mention of the crystal ball and it's demise/flaw - especially since the second mention of it comes at the end so that I visualize it twice - it seems to me the proper ending - the repetition of the image, the second time it is imagined being more dramatic - however, I think that the line about creation meeting concrete should perhaps come at the beginning or earlier on in the piece (I am not certain why but it sounds more natural to me when my mind places it there)...
I LOVE the likening of the cracks in the crystal ball to the circulatory system/circuitry... -
As always you are a shinning light in the sky
Very well done and good luck in this contest.
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Wow! This is class work! Imagery at it's best. It's fast, direct and very original. I was captured with this:
"into intricate spider-vein designs,
capillaries inhibiting visions"
Then each stanza got stronger and stronger.
Bravo!
Love,
Amera♥
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Magic fantastic :)
I love the word 'Blindsided'--it's one of those words that sound like what they actually mean.
"my crystal ball cracked
into intricate spider-vein designs"
Loved these first 2 opening lines--already you've created a dramatic scene in my mind..
"of an end too close to ignore"
Sounds like death to me..LoL.
"Cassandra's lost her sight"
Ooh, Cassandra has got to my be favorite mythic figure ever. There's something so evocative about her history and such tragedy..Plus, what a clever and wry way to use 'lost her sight'...such irony. You are brilliant and so cultured.
"Icarus has burned his wings"
I don't think you really need a 'has' in this line..but otherwise, I liked it. I actually know the story of Icarus, so I appreciate the meaning of this line.
"grapefruit sunrises"
Haha! Great imagery and such fun.
"the crystal ball shatters"
Broken fortunes? Very nice line.
"Creation meets concrete"
Deep metaphor here...great.
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I like it.
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Well, if Leilani is not looking for brilliance, then I guess this wouldn't work Crystal ball, hmm, why haven't I written a poem about that yet? This is spectacular, sis
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Your words burn hotter than the sun my sweet sister, and your brilliance is just as bright. All the best in the contest.
Love and peace always,
mj.
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Whoa.
"the crystal ball shatters -
Creation meets concrete"
What an image that plants in my mind, my mind just spins round and round as I read this again and again breathing it all in.
Simply stunning!!!!
Best of luck hun
♥
Stay safe
Love to you
~Manda
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