what i would like to know
is what you were thinking
that night in your room
when the fan was off
we smoked an eighth
and the sheets were tight
like layer eight of our skin
winding up our vine legs
i wish i had asked you
what you were thinking
peeled you down
with my pruning shears
the fan came on
rubbing its tiny fingertips
off fell the parasites
and fibers and dead skin cells
did you know then
latched in our dusty bed
that you would later forget
to turn the sprinklers on?
some plants would survive
to take over the yard
and some would be very
very dead
Author notes
I'm going away so I'll have time to edit this and respond to comments when i get back!
A contest entry
- why do you live by h202.
650 points, ended August 2, 2008, 28 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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actually i really don't get it. reading it over again, i know it's written well and with flare but i don't understand it. i keep thinking maybe you are talking to yourself, but then a line pops up where that train of though doesn't make any sense. i very much like how the end where you talk about the sprinklers and the yard can be interpreted literally or figuratively, for me with equal meaning. i can't speak highly enough of the fact that the poem is certainly open to multiple credible interpretations, i'm just having a lot of trouble deciding on one. and i really have no idea how this relates to what you live for, unless it's a person, which is perfectly possible i suppose.
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OH okay and now that i realize i entered this into your contest, of course me being stupid and not telling you what i meant in terms of your theme, i'll have to think back and reveal my own logic behind the piece which i had in mind when i wrote it. the poem is just about someone else, but your interpretation of it being about me is sort of correct because this person and i have everything in common, have grown together until we sort of overlap like the weeds in the yard. the sheets are tight around the skin we almost seem to share--seven layers of skin, plus the sheets binding us into one thing. however, the separation of the two comes with "i wish i had asked you what you were thinking"--the speaker wants to separate herself from the subject just for a moment, "peeled them down" to really see the underlying differences. because, in the end, someone who seems so like the speaker is actually different enough to make a catastrophic mistake, in the end, overshadowing the similarities in its disastrous effect, which is, in my case, neglect and eventual ruin of a relationship. hope this makes sort of sense, i'm sorry my first response was lazy. it took me awhile to remember how i wrote this because it does read so vaguely. thanks
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fantastic ending, but the second stanza is a bit awkward with the repetition of "eight". unless that was intentional.
i am still devouring your poetry with relish.
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the repetition of eight was intentional, but i can see how it could sound awkward. thanks for pointing that out--if you have any suggestions on how i could fix that stanza, i would greatly appreciate it!!
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i dont think ive met anyone that i could write about in such a perfect fashion.
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o wow. this is absolutely beautiful. i love the metaphor you use here (bodies and gardens i believe, but you know me, i guess and am usually wrong!). anywho, brilliant!
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I can see good ol' charles bukowski here, in the background. I'm keeping that in mind while I comment, so I don't tell you to fix something that would ruin this format. If you want my critique it is basically this: I think the first stanza, as a whole, is a weak beginning. I think it's the last line...Ending upon the word "on" is strange.
Everything else though, I think is strong. And that ending blew me away. There is something so haunting in that. How the plants are dead and how you stress that image, unique. The fifth stanza is wonderful. That's your strongest moment in this piece. Where you intensity stands up and is noticed.
When I read your work, I have to get lost in it.
Thank you for writing. This was wonderful.
;
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thanks, as always, for the constructive crit! i changed the "wasn't on" to "off" in the first stanza--you were right, it was awkward. however, i'm leaving the rest of the stanza because i wanted the poem to start off simply put, and not at all poetic. like a casual comment, which shows a slight hint of a deeper meaning, and eventually snowballs into something you cannot take back. i think i'm going to work on tying together the beginning, middle and end of the piece, because it definitely could benefit from a smoother flow. thanks again!
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You're welcome. Tell me if you do make any changes cause I would love to come back and read it again. I probably will find myself reading it regardless, but just in case I do forget, throw me a heads up.
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