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So, So Tired
Too tired to sleep, [It's crazy]
There's a voice and it doesnt Shut Up,

Telling me I'm a loser, [You know you are]
No I'm not, I dont have many friends but...,
[You're a loser you know it]..maybe thats true,
[You know it's true]..oh shut up would you, [No]

You drive me crazy , just leave me alone [I'm your only friend you know]
I know but it's mad, you drive me insane [I like this game]
This isnt a game, This is my life [Your life sucks you should just die]
[Oh why must you cry] I cant take you anymore [Then my work is almost done]

JUST GO AWAY,[Pick Up the Blade]
Then will you go away?,[If you do what I say]
Ok, I have the blade, {Ok we're going to play a little game...]

A game?,["You're going to draw a picture"]
That's easy...["It's a picture with a twist"]
A twist?,["You'll draw it with the razorblade"]
Ok, now?["You'll draw it on your wrist"]

So if I draw it will you leave?[Yes, I will]
What do I draw?[whatever you want too]
Promise you'll leave? [Yes I promise]
Ok , I'm cutting you can leave now [I might as well wait you're coming too]

What did you do?
[I Killed You]

Author notes

Please note: The above verse in quotations/italics was not written by me. The author is unknown but the poem is well known:

“You're going to draw a picture
It's a picture with a twist
You'll draw it with the razorblade
You'll draw it on your wrist”

SORRY forgot to put AP name here

ToXiC-AnGeL

A contest entry

Honest Opinions Please

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 14 of 14

  • LovelyTraces
    May 8
    Edit | Reply
    This is very original. I would, however, like it even more if you put your AP name in the Author's Notes like I asked in my rules. If you choose to do so, let me know so I can come back and give you a real critique.


    • ToXiC-AnGeL gold member
      May 8
      Edit | Reply
      Sorry Done now

      • LovelyTraces
        May 8

        Edit | Reply
        Okay, thankyou. Now. I think the way you showed the dialogue was very unique, and I like how you showed that the other parts whispering to you are negative, because they so often are. I am very fond of the way you included that other poem in yours, in a creative way, and gave credit where credit was due. Overall, this is very good. It could always stand to be tweaked just a bit to make it slightly more poetic, but this may have been exactly what you wanted. Either way, good job.


  • Dmonik
    May 4
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for your entry and Good Luck

    'D'


  • Stolen memories
    April 26
    Edit | Reply
    This is an absolutely amazing poem.

    I've never read anything so powerful.


  • XXAgedWithDespairXx
    April 17
    Edit | Reply
    This was awesome.Good Luc


  • dutch2lips gold member
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    Chilling write, never read anything about cutting like this one, the voice in ones head, I have it too, lucky for me, mine is only obnoctious but not pushing me to hurt myself physically only mentally.

    congrats on silver!


  • borrowing.moonlight gold member
    April 2
    Edit | Reply
    WHOA. so been there >< powerful.
    my first impression was the background, and it was a good one, so good job on that. first impressions are so very important. WELL DONE
    thank you so very much for entering my contest


  • superstition
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I've read cutting poems before, and I've also read suicide poems before, but I've never read any that were quite like this. You truly added a very unique perspective on it, and it was kind of an eerie read even for someone who's never heard this voice nor felt these emotions before. I hope they're not based on your own reality...or someone else you know. It's a difficult poem, but it's well constructed and interesting. Nice job, and thanks for commenting my own work!!


  • newnoakua
    July 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    that was really good! I liked how you had the "other" voice in the brakets, it was a cool twist. Tons of emotions, just fantastic! One of the best pieces I've read in a long time!


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... As emo as it was in parts, it had its good moments too. I'm not really a fan of the whole wrist-slashing teen-angst thing, but I enjoyed the second little poem with the lines in parentheses. Good luck to you in the contest!

    Laura x


  • LullabyxxDreamer
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    OH MY GOSH
    THIS WAS PROBABLY THE BEST WRITE I'VE READ YET!!!!
    very great job at wording
    i loved it!
    good luck!!!!


  • RawrSmileBabyPlz
    June 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.. This is very good. Very well written. I could feel all the different emotions as i read. thanks for entering my contest. I wish you the best of luck..
    ..

1 - 14 of 14