I'll Get Over It

It hurts.
So bad it hurts..
I miss you so much.
I try forcing myself into
Not caring about you,
Or if you call, or get online.
I try to be distant, indifferent
Every time we do talk
I don't know if you notice
Or even if you care
And it hurts.
I don't understand my own feelings
Much less yours.
I can't grasp the reasoning
In my mind. I want to be with you
But I can't. . .
You don't want to be with anyone
Much less me. . .
I know 'we'
Would never work
There are too many factors.
But it doesn't stop me
From wanting it
But even while I want this
I push you away.
I guess because
I know we'll never be together.
And it hurts.
I hate loving you.
I hate our friendship
Because of my love.
I hate wanting you
And I hate living without you.
The dreams of a young girl
Cause so much pain.
The foolishness in me,
In my wants, my dreams,
It makes me miserable.
I am stupid for believing
I could ever be with someone like you
I hate knowing this
Because it hurts so fucking bad.
The pain inside is unbearable,
Yet somehow, I've got to bear it.
I let myself be miserable without you
Because I'm so damned weak.
I hate this side of me. . .
I hate all of me.
I've tried hating you too,
But it just doesn't work.
Not matter how hard I try,
No matter what lies
I try to fill my head with
To convince myself to hate you. . .
Nothing works.
All I do any more
Is think of you and cry
I can't stand it.
Life isn't worth living anymore.
I've lost all resolve
Simply wishing to be loved by you,
But it won't happen
And it makes me wish
To curl up and die
I guess that's a little dramatic. . .
Not really die,
But I'm not even living.
I simply exist in this life now.
I can't find anything to live for,
Nothing makes me happy,
Except for you.
I can't do anything;
I'm walking through life in a daze.
It's horrible how pathetic
I truly am.
I can't stand it.
I'm living a lie, it seems.
I've tried believing
You really loved me
But I don't know if you did or not.
A part of me thinks you CARED,
But didn't really love me,
At least not like I love you.
But another part of me
Believes you cared,
That you really did love me
And another part of me
Believes you never even cared.
Maybe you didn't. . Maybe you did.
I think I'd feel better,
If you never cared.
Because that would mean
That I didn't mess up,
To kill your love for me.
If you had once loved me. . .
Well, that would mean
That I fucked up
And killed your love for me.
That. . Even that thought
Makes me feel worse,
Than if you hadn't really loved me.
I can't explain it. . .
These feelings I have. . .
Why I have them,
Why I've done what I've done,
Why I do what I do.
I can't understand why
I make so many foolish mistakes.
Falling for you,
Being one of the most foolish.
It's like. . . How could I not learn?
After the first. . the second, third time. .
You'd think I'd learn.
I mean, even dogs learn
After they've been beaten enough times. . .
Maybe one day I'll learn. .
But I'd have to stop loving you first.
And I don't know if I can do that.
At least not for a long time.
I suppose that
Under normal circumstance,
That would be a good thing.
Normal circumstances being
That you loved me.
It would be loyalty to the one I love
But now. . . It's rather pathetic
I sit here,
Not so secretly loving you,
Wanting you, knowing I'll never have you
Never have a chance with you.
It hurts so bad.
I feel so stupid, so pathetic, foolish;
But I guess I'm just a little girl.
How could I really love you?
People my age
Don't know what love is.
But that's kind of funny,
Since you loved HER at my age,
Said forever to her,
Just like you said forever to me.
But you meant it for her.
So maybe,
You never really did love me.
That hurts.
But I'll get over it,
And maybe one day,
I'll find someone
Who I love more than
I ever loved you.
Just like I love you
More than I ever loved him.
And you. . .
Well, of course you love her more than me.
Because you don't love me. . Never did.
That hurts. . .
But I'll get over it. . .
I'll get over you.