pounding a piano
on fire,
im a weed with fiery
emotional swings.
with an anchor on my shoulder,
i'm so hopelessly far
from the beach.
im in need of
a wavepool
to break down my troubles.
throwing my depression to the sea dogs
i want to extinguish
this desperation for a brave
1000 foot fall.
im crushable
but dont save me from
extremes,
naturally reckless
im a pixie who travels alone
eat my dust.
Author notes
I wrote this while listening to Tom Waits. I just discovered him while drinking my coffee and watching the much more music most distinctive voices. I was immediately amazed and looked him up and wrote this. God he is so awesome.
<3
A contest entry
- you put the poet in poetry. by apples fell.
875 points, ended October 5, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
& the bar stools are all on fire
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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regardless of what your poems are about i always have lots of fun reading them. i can look back having finished and say to myself, "that was time well spent." and that first stanza was amazing
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=D thank you so much! It makes me so happy thinking of you reading my poems and liking them <3.
Thanks for your thoughtful comment♥.
peace c=
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Haha, what a great last line. XD
I LOVE the second stanza, with the anchor and the beach out of reach. "Where do I go from here" type of thing. I thought it was arranged nicely. =D
I also liked the line, "im crushable, but dont save me from extremes." I'm not sure how to interpret it, but I thought it was an interesting..."phase?" Yeah, let's go with that. It makes me think of superheroes. =P They're so independent and kind of out of it all.
I haven't talked to you for a while, I hope all is well!
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Overall, this is a beautiful piece of writing that is well-written and to-the-point and out of the entire poem my favorite part is the first stanza.
I concur with James on the capitalized "P" in piano and the "E" in eat, and I also agree with him about "fiery".
But I think you have missed a few other things as well, including two apostrophes in each of the "im" words. It might be intentional, but even if that is so, it looks a bit more like a grammar mistake than a rebellious action.
And I am not so sure about the use of "sea" in different words so close together. That being "sea" and then "sea dogs". It's a pet peeve of mine for a word to be repeated like that and only under certain conditions does it work. And here I don't believe it does.
Finally, in your last stanza I'm tempted to turn "lonely" into "alone", but I'm not sure if that would disrupt the pieces flow or not. And if you think it would, then it's no bother.
As the saying goes, "As long as you love it, then it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks".
Hope I was helpful.
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Thank you!! I am so happy you think its good! I never use apostrophes actually so i'm not going to put them in this one (sorry!). Yes I will definately change sea to something else. I'm thinking beach right now but yeah. I was also wondering and deciding on whether to use lonely or alone so i will switch it.
You were definately helpful! thank youuu =D!
<3peace
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The first thing I loved about this piece was the ending. “eat my dust” just seems so appropriate. Although I do wonder why you have capitalized the “p” in piano and “eat” at the end. I think you could have stuck with no caps and it still would have held a very strong ending. wavepool I think needs to be two words, unless you are expressing it in your own terms, then freedom reins I guess. My other advice here would be to perhaps put “fiery” on the above line. Seems odd all alone. I love stanza three the most. I also like how you have put 1000 instead of the word. I just do. Very good entry.
Kenny will be around to comment as well.
;
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=D
thank you so mcuh for your comment. i am so so happy you liked the end. i struggled so hard with it, it like just wasn't fitting and then I just ended it with that random thought & i didn't like it all. You have no idea how relieved i am that you liked it!! Thank you for your constructive ideas, I will definately take away the caps I acutually didnt notice (oops!) and move fiery around for sure. Stanza 3 is also my favorite ^-^.
woo!
thx<3 -
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The ending feels very transitional...So for struggling with it, sure doesn't show. Yes I certainly do like it. Very strong in its imagery and format. Glad I could help. Yep. Yep.
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