in her eyes,
i saw a
flicker
of God
tucked in
behind
shame and selfless destiny,
like the
sour milk
she drinks
to
save us
money
A contest entry
- translucent by Saffron.
900 points, ended July 8, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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It's ironic, really. I grew up thinking my mother loved to eat chicken wings, when in reality, she only ate them because that was all that was left over after feeding her husband and her brood. Self-sacrificing, indeed. Congrats on a well-earned gold, Connor. 
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You know, you know, you know that I really like succinct pieces. I also really admire how you tied all of in with self-deprivation, the shame and drinking sour milk--that is such a vivid and descriptive image, I think. I like the spacing, too--I will be honest and say that at first I didn't, but I like it now. Did you change it or something? Anyway, you know I am a big fan of packing a punch with just a few words, and I think you succeeded here.
Great job, really
I am so happy you entered this contest.Saffron
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Haha thank you thank you a thousand thank yous Saffron. Your comments, for better or worse, are invaluable to me, and this one no less so. I didn't change the spacing, but oddly I didn't like it at first either. I'm used to working with a broader canvas - I wrote like 8 pieces of freeverse poetry called "Spies and Aviators" which were much longer - so the spacing there was meant to achieve a grander effect. I'm still trying to figure out how to get a more taut effect for these shorter pieces - honestly, I wish I could change fonts (uhm, inexpensively) because this font is so clumsy-looking and it always makes me dislike the effect I get.
But that is neither here nor there. Thank you so much Saff for your comment! =)
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This really is excellent, this piece is bittersweet. Nicely done, simple but it speaks.
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Thank you very much for your kind words on this and the other poem you commented on - I really, really appreciate it. =)
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That ending was quite the sucker punch, I must say. Does milk rot? I feel like you could've a more...less appealing adjective. Sour or curdled; they're so much less pleasant to the ear. But that's just my opinion. This was, in its complete and utter entirety, wonderful.
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I KNEW rotten was the wrong word!
Thank you, I was racking my brain to think of a better one. I thought of curdled but for some reason that doesn't gross me out the way rotten did. Sour is much, much better though. Thank you for that and for your kind words! I really appreciate it!
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oooh, good impact. I love how the ending just ravels everything up, and it waits until the very last second to do so.
I kinda feel like the spaces are a little jumpy? It could just be my current demeanor but I feel like every time there's a gap it kind of grinds.
Other than that, I adore it. It's really sad, and it speaks truth. That pride of those who can't really provide for themselves but will still get try to get along. I hope there is a god inside them, too. -
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I adjusted the spaces a little bit. This one doesn't work as neatly with the beat I kept on previous poems - I see what you mean about grinding. Thank you sosososososo much for your comments Máire, I love to hear your thoughts.
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