I've got this itch I cannot control
doesn't let me have a life at all
I am a bat within its cavern
I am a prisoner to its cage
I cannot seem to focus
all of this misplaced teenage rage
So I'll grow up withered inside
shun all those in whom I could confide
this itch eats me to the core
it burns up my nimble soul
I will never reach the summit
and never again be whole
Mother who bore me and Father who ran
this itch inside me was never my plan
I am a slave to its hunger
I wish I was never conceived
and with these hazel eyes
peace will never be received
So burn me like the witches with hating looks
and place me in libraries of unwanted books
in order that this demon consuming me
will never prevail again
be kind in your memory
and forget who I've been
Author notes
Originally written on February 4, 2008
Give me a critical thought.
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Teenage angst as itch - some great imagery here, and a nice flow of words. I like the sometimes rhyme, but I'm not sure of your punctuation choices. I'd like to see you 'show' more, rather than 'tell' for example, use the great metaphors without the qualifying 'I am', the reader will get the picture!
. Rewarded 6
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A fabulous pen!
A soul searching write... very well written with great rhyme and flow! makes the reader want more of you...to know the itch?
Just wonderful!
Best regards,
DeGraw
. Rewarded 4
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Love the imagery of 'I am a bat within its cavern' that really evokes a sense of imprisonment in the dark so well. This is a vividly intense write that's packed with that sense of frustration and rage life so very often creates within us. I think so many of us can clearly relate to your subject but more so to the way that you have written about it and this feeling doesn't disappear with adolescence. Technically there isn't a huge amount of advice I can offer apart from you may like to think about some of your punctuation as the enjambement works well but it needs to be clearer. I love free verse and that's all I write but even that needs some form of punctuation, and as you seem to be using a mixture of free and rhyme, you may want to address that.
Having been nitpicky, this is a good write, it almost blazes. Thanks for sharing and keep up the great work. -
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thanks for the feedback. I've always been somewhat 'Emily Dickenson' in my puncuation. I've always overused, overanalyzed, or just plain used the most whacky form of grammar. This was a try away from all that. Be free from its confines. But as you and others have made aware, I simpyl need to find balance. Cheers
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wow...that's all I can say...a wonderful poem filled with vivid images, and powerful words. your rhymes not only work, they work well...which greatly adds to the poem. It is very descriptive and not of your rhyming appears forced. It is strong, and a poem I am sure many teenagers can relate too. I also love the theme of your poem, and how you used that main idea as your title. Great job and keep up the great writing! I honestly can't think of anyway to improve!
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you for the comment. I am very pleased that you liked the poem. I think I need to work on the structure of the poem, but as you convey, I believe the message and purpose of the poem should remain untouched. Thanks again, Cheers.
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Deep
This piece is loaded with feeling, metaphor, and so much more. I am not a teenager anymore (thank god it was hard enough to survive once) But you captured the angst of it beautifully. my favorite lines....So burn me like the witches with hating looks
and place me in libraries of unwanted books
in order that this demon consuming me
will never prevail again
be kind in your memory
and forget who I've been
Keep writting, you have great potential. ~mandie~
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