Picture perfect smile eaten away,
by fear.
Tragic devil's eyes sewn shut,
by catastrophe.
Forever known as the poignant princess
She stares into the mirror,
(death stares back)
Shuts her eyes (for a bit longer than a blink)
Tears that were long since dried,
came pouring out.
[The seductive soundtrack drew her in
Seeping sorrow; slowly, strongly]
The stars fall down and shower her with pain.
Guiltily, she smiles.
Those picture perfect lips cried out,
for no more.
(Thread by thread they tighten)
sound can longer come out.
Icy fingers, cold to the touch
Stain the windows causing everlasting marks.
Rubbing in the pain,
Until the numbness settles in.
[The soundtrack of her life is scratched
it can longer spin a story, no longer sing a lie.
The record is broken.]
goodbye.
In a list
A contest entry
- give me your pain. by aanika.
525 points, ended July 2, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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Picture perfect smile eaten away,
by fear.
Good introduction. I liked it.
Shuts her eyes (for a bit longer than a blink)
I like your use of parethesis as well, they are there for a reason, with specific placement unlike the old dirty pretty.
[The soundtrack of her life is scratched
it can longer spin a story, no longer sing a lie.
The record is broken.]
That was good, and I think it should have been just left at that. Some pretty good lines.Thank you. Kat -
haha thanks aanika =)
ps. i fixed some spelling/grammar mistakes
adn just so you know the good things such as the alliteration were NOT accidental!! .. the bad things were tho haha
thanks for actually criticizing it =) -
already posted a longgg detailed comment. deal.
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alrighty then,
bad things first
as usual.
spelling & grammar could be improved, as well as punctuation:
"Tragic devils eyes sown shut" should be "tragic devil's eyes sewn shut"
as well there are a few missed periods, but that can be fixed
now for the GOOD THINGS!
i lovelovelove the alliteration, even where it was probably accidental
"poignant princess"
also amazed by the imagery
"Icy fingers, cold to the touch
Stain the windows causing everlasting marks
Rubbing in the pain,
Until the numbness settles in"
nice stanza, very realistic and painful
& of course, i love the ending. very strong. -
Awesome
Love it all, especially the first and last stanzas... It's seriously good!
Keep it up babe <3
Isabel xoxox
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thanksss =)
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