it's like wasps, and needles
my thirst
was for the honey,
for the sticky rays of sun
to fill my pores
so that your secrets
would cling to me
and I could
learn you like a chore.
see, now I hate the ocean
because of its greed,
always trying to drag me under
with violent waves and
rinse me clean
of everything you left
behind,
like I was nothing
without you,
like I was the only one
staking out parts of my body
with needles
to remember the pierce
of your touch.
it was simply just because,
what explanation is needed
when fate
dragged us here in the first place,
it's long arms
stretching out like the horizon,
sloppy with clouds.
you claim nothing has changed
but the season,
that I am the same
cold coffee that sits
black and old and lonely
on my nightstand,
and that you
have only worsened lately;
your mind still swaying
like the trees
we would lay under
and sculpt memories.
the nerves in my skin
may still recognize your fingers
but every cell in my brain
can never forget the
beauty we sometimes became,
like the night
you climbed into my bed,
radiant as the moon,
and we created
our own sky
Author notes
not you again >:|
A contest entry
- you put the poet in poetry. by apples fell.
875 points, ended October 5, 2008, 44 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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why is See capitalized???
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Got to the end of this and just said 'Yep' because I can't think of anything to add to what has already been said. Fine writing here.
C
-
I find myself between your lines...
exceptional work!
☼Becky☼
-
I love the shift in the first stanza
See, now I hate the ocean
because of its greed,
always trying to drag me under
with violent waves and
rinse me clean
of everything you left
behind,
that makes it seem like the ocean is trying to get you to move on, like you won't let someone go, and the ocean is rudely just...showing you how it has to be. but then down here...
like I was nothing
without you,
like I was the only one
staking out parts of my body
with needles
to remember the pierce
of your touch
you give reason not to let go. almost like...you have earned the right not to let go. I really, really, really, like these lines as well as the ones up there. although, on second thought, shift was the wrong word. it's not dramatic enough to be a shift, it's just subtle and....perfect.
and then in the next stanza, you blame your attachment on fate, then proceed to reminisce for the rest of the poem. i absolutely love this piece. it progresses perfectly, so well crafted JP. great work. but those lines i quoted were especially amazing. -
damn.
this was amazing.
kinda reminds me of a friends poetry.
"so that your secrets
would cling to me
and I could
learn you like a chore."
i loved this part.
mmmhmm
its written so well that its almost like i can feel the clinging.
"the nerves in my skin
may still recognize your fingers
but every cell in my brain
can never forget the
beauty we sometimes became,
like the night
you climbed into my bed,
radiant as the moon,
and we created
our own sky"
this is fucking brilliant.
its just a slap of imagery.
its lovely.
♥ ♥
[[alexsis]]
-
like I was nothing
without you,
like I was the only one
staking out parts of my body
with needles
to remember the pierce
of your touch.
Gorgeous. This made angels weep, m'love.
-
this is the best i've read from you in a while, i think. "learn you like a chore" was just excellent. i liked the whole thing pretty much all the way through. i didn't like the horizon/sloppy with clouds part. i don't know why, maybe just because i think i've seen it before. but everything else was fantastic esp the ending. don't really have any suggestions on how to improve this one though i love it just the way it is
-
oh my.
shit this is exscellent!!
-
i swear i'll be back to say something of value for this piece, i just vowed not to say anything on first read--for your poetry, that is. but don't expect it too soon, i'm going to kentucky for an indefinite amount of time and leaving tomorrow. some kind of soul searching, something or other. hard to explain.
-
This is gold.
-
Wow - the metaphors were developed really well, the imagery spot on. loved it. i felt the emotion too. *sigh* Great stuff.
-
“my thirst
was for the honey,
for the sticky rays of sun
to fill my pores
so that your secrets
would cling to me
and I could
learn you like a chore.”
- This is great work. Reminds me of my stuff.
Probably why I find it so fine tuned. For some
reason the sun always inspires me too.
“See, now I hate the ocean
becase of its greed,
always trying to drag me under
with violent waves and
rinse me clean
of everything you left
behind,
like I was nothing
without you,
like I was the only one who
staked out every part of my body
with needles
to remember the pierce
of your touch.”
- You spelled becase wrong. It’s because.
I don’t much care for the lines after the word
“greed”. They seem to kind of repeat and not
really say anything. But then when you get to
the “staked out” line, it goes back to that
Incredibleness you always capture.
it was simply just because,
“what explanation is needed
when fate
dragged us here in the first place,
it's long arms
stretching out like the horizon,
sloppy with clouds.
you claim nothing has changed
but the season,
that I am the same
cold coffee that sits
black and old and lonely
ony my nightstand,
and that you
have only worsened lately;
your mind still swaying
like the trees
we would lay under
and sculpt memories.”
- The beginning of this stanza is once again
lovely. I find myself in your work sometimes.
In the ideas and the words. That is marvelous
because we are both such different writers,
but contain so many singular moments where
I see my own being. Another misspelling “ony”
is “on”. That ending is great, with the trees and
the memories. The weakest part here for me is
the lines starting from “that I am the same”
and going until “have only worsened lately”.
I think that part could be greatly improved.
Idea wise.
“the nerves in my skin
may still recognize your fingers
but every cell in my brain
will remember the
beauty we sometimes became,
like the night
you climbed into my bed
and we created
our own sky”
- This ending is incredible. I keep seeing my
own writing in this poem. No crits on this part.
It is just fine writing.
I love you work boy. I find things I think could be changed, but you know I wouldn’t bother if I didn’t love your voice and your work. Truly brought a smile to my face.
I was commenting on this off the site and now see it has entered our competition, Yes! Kenny will hopefully be able to leave helpful commentary as well.
;
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