Days rolled on,
I could not track seconds,
Minutes I was barely aware of,
Hours I had perceptibly noticed,
And days rolled on,
Days rolled on into weeks/months,
Months also had to roll,
They did so into years,
By the time I finished one year,
And got on to the next,
I had forgotten most of the past,
And remembered it vague,
Like a film roll,
That had lost silver,
And was dull and bright only in patches,
Stumbling and strutting years rolled on,
I had not yet fallen,
I had a century,
perhaps more,
perhaps less,
life was a fixed time travel,
and an experiment to hilt,
In this life it is not possible,
That I could get it to unravel full.
Author notes
3. What is our purpose?
A contest entry
- I Am Lonely In This Cold City (The Contest!) by Girl With Guitar.
675 points, ended July 17, 2008, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What is the answer to life, universe and everything? by Dark Otter.
600 points, ended August 12, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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Well done!
All my shares are creative and thought provoking. Your piece is prose that reminds me of me. You seemed to find your own take on the passage of time and being the 'subtle observer'. Thank you for your creative entry.
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Lol ok, you attempted to fix according to my guidelines. You actually needed to have "*Evil Kung Fu Panda*" in your author notes, but still thanks.
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We remember so little of our lives in detail, but it is writ upon us in etchings deep. I have suffered from amnesia after a motorcycle accident. Was amazed at what I remembered as I got better and my life crowded out the details but when it was all over and I was healed I knew all the details were written in this clay for me to find.
I enjoy the grace and sense of flow, almost lyrical in places, that carries this reader from beginning to end. Concept and idea brought forward with precision that makes the language delectable and clever. Images very supportive of a logical course but allow for a more thoughtful expansion of the idea. Very glad I stopped by.
Love, Tom B.
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very well written i loved reading this!
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I agree witth ultimate beluga vvvvvv.
I really liked the between forgetting and a 'film roll that had lost its silver'.
The feeling of time slipping by reminds me off all those school holidays that went too quickly
Great Poem.
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this is very interesting... very thought-provoking and i think there is a lot of truth in your words. "stumbling and strutting" is a great, imageryish description and the metaphor of the film roll was very nicely weaved in. also, the melancholy feel of lines like "Minutes I was barely aware of" was really strong and effective.
one complaint: the commas at the end of each line kinda drove me crazy and really only interrupted the flow of the poem, and i think they could really be cut down.
other than that, great mature sorta write!
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Excellent use of metaphor and imagery. I liked the way you mixed the literal with the analogy and left the choice to the reader as to which one was which.
Nicely done.
PS - thanks for the read -
Excellent
Ah, a fine write, and as a Senior Citizen, I can certainly appreciate what you are writing about. Thanks for sharing this one with us. -
Ooooh!.....
This is multidimensional as well as focused.
You have a very perceptive mind and great command of words.
Salute! and I will definately explore further...looking for those answers.
wolf
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Oh the concept of time..timelessness..this is wonderful..your imagery is great..this piece have a touch of spirituality to it..best of luck
Ruby
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Some good imagery here. keep the ink flowing!
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You have Eternity, Poet ...
and all will instantaneously fall into place ...
I loved how you already touched on timelessness in your poem, as if past present and future merged into immediate awareness.
Blessed be. See you in Eternity.
Love
Myra
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You are very good at penning emotion. This poem is captivating and filled with vivid imagery.
Love,
Amera♥
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yes life rushs by so quickly we can lose track of time the moments are no longer moments they become years faster than we realise your poem reflects a great depth of feeling on the subject of time I enjoyed the following lines they say so much from your heart and soul
I had forgotten most of the past,And remembered it vague,
Like a film roll,That had lost silver,And was dull and bright only in patches,Stumbling and strutting years rolled on, it takes alot to forget the past and move forward to grow no matter how old we are we can always learn something new everyday as life is a continued path of growth a great poem with lots of deep thought good luck in the contest
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LIfe passes us by so quickly. As a child we are carefree and so do not see the effort involved in just living day to day as adults experience. Not until we ourselves become parents and have the responsibilities for others do we realize just how quickly the days pass into weeks, months years, decades. We grow older outside, yet inside we are ourselves at a much younger time. Like the way one can reflect from the words written in these lines. Thanks for sharing.
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Great Poem
Good Morning, I want to thank you again for that lovely comment on my rainbow poem. Your poem here is seems to be written with deep thought and from your heart as you look back and try to get a perspective on your life and where the time has gone. My favorite lines were.....
I had forgotten most of the past,
And remembered it vague,
Like a film roll,
That had lost silver,
And was dull and bright only in patches,
Thank you for sharing. A pleasure to read trhis morning. You take care.
Bless You,
sandy
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Thanks for the comment. This poem is really good. Nice description of time just passing you by, without you realising until it was too late. Pls visit and comment on more of my poems!
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Ok first up, ya missing something.... No more reminders.
Secondly, you use the word "roll"/"rolled" way too many times in the first part. Changing your vocabulary doesn't just make for a stronger worded poem, it also gives your audience the perception that you know what you're talking about and where you're wanting the poem to go. It actually stops the flow, the way you've got it.
You also don't need punctuation at the end of each line
These lines really struck me:
"By the time I finished one year,
And got on to the next,
I had forgotten most of the past,"
That feeling is a part of my emotions towards my own poem. It is almost a shocking revelation, that so much time has disappeared and you don't even remember it. I think in some cases, that's because it's been a lie, a disappointment, something to be ashamed of or something that you're mind is protecting you from.
In my poems case, it's almost all of those. I am curious about your piece; whether you've written solely from my poem, from your experiences or a mix.
It is not a bad write, it's actually quite good once you look at the words rather than the techniques, grammar, punctuation etc. Thank you for this entry, and once/if you alter anything, please reply to this comment, comment on my contest, or send me an IM (please don't forget to tell me which poem you've written if you IM me though!)
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Nicely done
This was very nicely done and held a great message. You should be proud of this one. Good luck in the contest.
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Wondeful
thank you for the comment..I dream of writing..just not sure of myself enough.You on the other hand,display a bold confidence in your writings.
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