What road is this that I must try?
which stretches onward, dust and sand.
Withered trees, a stream run dry,
a cursed, abandoned, hopeless land.
Why must I wander, lost and torn
from heaven's gate for ancient sin?
What endless torment must be borne
before I am allowed within?
And lies there, somewhere far ahead,
a place where I may rest my soul?
Fields of green, a table spread,
a loaf of bread, a brimming bowl?
The wind grows cold, the night draws nigh
and still the road, relentless, waits.
No Moon to light the starless sky,
no sign of mercy from the Fates.
*
I muse on freedom and on fate
and all the apples that I never ate.
Ah, love divine, satanic hate
and all the apples that I never ate.
A contest entry
- Where Are You Headed? (Contest) - 1000 points by Peripatetic.
1000 points, ended July 12, 2008, 9 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything to Inspire a Lost Soul by SoftlyScreaming.
1200 points, ended June 29, 2008, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Show me what wins gold around here by Aussie Gypsy.
550 points, ended August 28, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Help Build the Tower of Baffle by venomoustoad.
1400 points, ended June 4, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - New Apples by ea.
700 points, ended September 16, 21 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is a very fine poem; I'm really glad for the opportunity to have read it in the contest though I always fear that if a previous gold winner does not receive a second gold, it somehow brings the poem's status down and that would certainly not be the case here.
This has a serious spiritual theme, dare I say a religious one, with its image of the weary pilgrim making his way down the road towards the brimming cup and the loaf, and is well wrought in its formal tone. The thought of pursuing "Love divine" necessitating all those bypassed apples is sad.
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Deserving of the gold, depiction of bad apples and good apples, a clever write.Excellent. Blessings.
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First rate poetry.
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Really excellent!
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I really enjoyed this piece and can see why it netted gold.
A couple of thoughts that include my humble opinions on critiques. Feel free to ignore them if they are not in line with how you view the poem. I just offer them in case they spark something for you
This line ("Fields of green, a table spread," )is the only one where I noticed a stressed first syllable and wonder if you might consider a with like "with" or "vast"
"Fields of green, a table spread,"
The refrain at the end "and all the apples that I never ate" seems to have a couple more syllables than the rhythm calls for. I'm not sure if "and apples that I never ate" fits with what you have in mind, but it seems to work.
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A worthy trophy! Powerful!
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This poem makes me jealous. It's so perfect it almost reads itself. I really love it. Would you be willing also to submit it to the "Book of Bafflement Project? If you do your copyright will appear on the page with it. You're a certainly a finalist. Thank you for entering.
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Having once been described
as 'not a bad apple' (on here, by 'geecee', in case you wonder), I hesitate even to think about apples at all. But this was a neatly philosophical and melancholic piece all rolled into your customary perfect metre. Oh, it's nice to have the time to just read your pages.
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This has a great flow and rhyme to it, there is an underlying tone of sadness to this piece though, well written, best to you
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I appreciate the tone of this poem,
it's rhyme scheme, line brakes and flow. What I can't understand is why you expressed the penultimate lines with bad grammar for the sake of easy rhyme. Should't it be " with apples I haven't eaten." Return the favor?
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I can see why you won the gold with this piece. It is beautifully and skillfully written. Great flow and rythme. A hint of underlying sadness in these lines though. My favorite part.....I muse on freedom and on fate
and all the apples that I never ate.
Ah, love divine, satanic hate
and all the apples that I never ate.
Great read. I enjoyed it. ~mandie~ -
Excellently done, poet. This piece had indeed taken me away.
Congratulations on the gold and write on. One.
Dez
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How often do we of Adam's race think to ourselves that since we are serving this penalty (or doing this penance, depending on your theology) we might as well have had more of those apples and sooner?
The 3rd verse's poignant contrast between the curse as Adam must have first observed it - which each generation beholds anew - against the unrealized, perhaps unforeseen, promise of the heavenly scenes of Psalm 23 and the grace of communion is the center of the poem. From this point the traveler will move toward fatalism or the daily existential and spiritual debate of the finale.
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Such deep regret in the repeating line /and all the apples that I never ate/
I think this is one of the best poems I have read for a long time. The images are bleak, but true. I know this road, this landscape, both from dreams and from my life.
Somehow it is heartening to know that, even though the road looks empty, there is a fellow traveller somewhere.
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This sounds like a short version of a John Steinback book. Lots of anguish expressed. Good use of metaphor and well written.
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well i liked it, but it didnt really give me any kind of emotion that made me stop and think.. there are very few poems out there that make me go WOW, and honestly, this was not one of them.. it was a good poem and it has potential.. good luck and thanks for entering.
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...and all the apples that I never ate. If life gives you lemons, sour face...but if life give you apples, a little knowlege is a dangerous thing....maybe they are better left to queens and magic mirrors. But I do so like apple dumplings. Sighs, here.
Such beautiful poetry, from such a chilling muse.
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