A man walks into an empty bar
Eyes a beer and smiles.
He says he's traveled long and far,
And seeks rest for a while
The bartender hands him a gruesome cup
Made of skull and bone
He shrugs off a chill, and tips it up
Then falls down with a moan.
So far, arsenic had been a reliable choice,
For this wasn't the bartenders first.
A drink too toxic to even voice,
To quench an innocent's thirst.
Where did I hear of this evil plot?
I doubt you'd want to hear.
But experience helps with a story a lot.
And the part I played isn't mere.
You listen now as you stare into me.
Im the skull shaped cup you hold,
So drink my friend, and you can be
In the story I just told.
Author notes
How bad would it be if I told you this was written in church? Yeah, bringing a notebook was not the best idea. I was sitting by a friend, who's an amazing artist, and who was just doodling, and she drew this cup made out of bone. I can't describe it, but it was cool looking. So this great idea for a poem started swimming around in my head, and I had to write it down. It got edited a lot though afterwards.
A contest entry
- Anything Goes by silentxparadise93.
600 points, ended September 11, 2008, 83 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"a drink too toxic to even voice"
I loved this poem, I thought the prhyming may have been a little bit bumpy in a few places, but it'd hard to tell. Great ideas flow through this. I'd wonder why they kill all the popele, is it part of a plot or something? Anyways, just a really cool sinister-y poem
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Wow, this is dark, and really good- But the ending made it even better. I loved how well everything is worded, and the story line.
"You listen now as you stare into me.
Im the skull shaped cup you hold,
So drink my friend, and you can be
In the story I just told."
That by far is the best part of the poem. I had to go back and read it again, because this ending changed the whole story!:] Great job!
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this is pretty cool.it was an evilicious little horror story.i think you can really stretch this out and it would be great.it kinda reminded me of tales from the crypt.good rhyme good write.
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Interesting write. An intriguing story with a cute ending, but I kind of feel (especially if you want to try to turn it into a book) that it could use some smoothing out as far as rhythm and flow as some of the lines don't read all that smoothly in my opinion.
I would also consider changing line 2 so that it is the traveler smiling considering you use the word "he" in the next line. Maybe something like "he eyes a beer and smiles." Just my opinion though so take it for what it's worth.
This is definitely a solid piece, but I get the feeling you can make it even better.
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love it! totally unexpected it to be the cups point of view. my fav: He shrugs off a chill. how oft do wqe not rely on our intuition and get into trouble? well writ.
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good
the poem is good, but with your skills in writing, I think you could do better. I wish I had your excellent technique, but you thoughts aren't really my style. Many people could really enjoy this poem, but I had no interest.
Good job
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