Gust bustled into kitchen,
taking more than windows
to transparent truths,
broken with shattered dishes
and chipped plates: this mess,
a work of your mouth.
When you weren’t the sky
breathing air and exhaling
storms as you pretended
plasma webs were puked lies
of spider-sparrows,
you coughed compliments,
rising like forest-fire-smoke,
polluting quality of life
with ashes; your abusive facts
fell from my eyes.
I learned to love you with flames,
making me more vulnerable
to the burn-
lotion-soaked skin, softer;
when lightning-fights came,
oil ignited, and I crumbled
into dust like the dishes
permanently scarring
our kitchen floor-
and now, not even a tear
could extinguish forgiveness;
my lashes remain
drier
than your disrespect.
Author notes
These three prompts inspired.
-I like it like that
-I'd rather go blind
-I'm gonna make you love me.
& Everwind Rising & Never fall in love's poem.
Also, for Poets Survivor - nomitated elimination part.
A contest entry
- Favorites (Invite Only) by Lj-.
600 points, ended August 29, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I like this a lot.
Especially how you carry the dishes concept through the whole poem.
Thank you for your entry,
Best of luck!
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I still find it so amazing that someone so young can explain the workings of a lost, shattered relationship so well, whether it be lovers or a family one, your metaphors in this are deep and visual and they grab the reader to want to say damn! I wish I had said that. The ending is sensational. Love, C
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Ty this is just wonderful, such emotion runs through each stanza, I love the determination I sense in the piece, a stoic feeling that although hurt, the spirit remains intact and in fact stronger. The metaphors are excellent with great use of alliteration. I especially enjoyed the close, it was like an exclamation point written with finality. Wonderful work hun. Hugs, Bunny
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I love the opening of your poem. It seems like we have stepped into the middle of some sort of family turbulance. This is a shared space full of "our" dishes, so we would normally expect this to be a place where good food and good times are relished, and yet the reader is bombarded with all of the raging imagery. Excellent shock value.
I loved how you introduced that all of this was "a work of your mouth" and then followed through with so many consistent proofs of that appraisal.
The emotion here is deep and on many levels. Your speaker reveals a tenacity and "return" temper, but also a brokenness. Confidence turned to ash in the rubble.
Your images and metaphors are strong and evocative. Your story is clear. And there seems to be an underlying message that some resentments run to deep to be healed, which I disagree with, but it is a valid theme as it stands.
Well done.
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I am captivated by your imagery and metaphor. You use language in new and inventive ways and always bring raw emotion to your poems. I loved the ending; so much captured in those few lines. The only line I thought was extraneous was 21, but it did not detract from the poem's impact. I am so happy I am not a judge in this elimination round. I would hate to see any of you wonderful poets leave this contest. Good luck, Peace Liz
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Thanks Liz
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I really liked the raw emotion that was kept evident all the way throughout the poem. You really let it obvious how you were feeling and then portrayed why with the metaphors.
My favourite metaphor was the tear one to be extinguished whole section. The connectivity and contrast between your emotion in the metaphor is what made the ending even stronger, I feel. Because throughout the middle and the first I felt as though the emotion and the metaphor were differentl levels, not entertwined.
Another metaphor I really liked was learning to love you with the flames. Fire always seems to be a strong image whenever utilized so it made very powerful imagery to the reader.
Poets Survivor aside, and just you as an individual poet, I feel that you are above the weather metaphors that you keep writing about. I feel that you can take anything and make a strong, meaningful, consistent metaphor out of it and that is a really amazing talent. So it becomes a little agonizing to the reader when they know that you can do something beyond these metaphors, something new.
Great job Tyler, a good venting of a relationship-situation. -
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Thanks Ryan -
I feel I have done stuff beyond nature though-
from what I remember, not just here but in general.
But I will go beyond nature imagery if that is what you guys are hoping for in my writes.
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You have done stuff beyond nature, defiantly, but I am saying you do nature a lot and it'd be nice to see you venture beyond it even more often
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Please use the prompt as your title. I love the title you have here, but I have to be fair.
As always you have managed some powerful imagery.
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Oh, crap! I totally missed that.
I guess I will just remove it, not a big deal.
Thanks for the inspiration though.
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L1 is an excellent opener for this poem, I love the assonance used.
L2, I feel, requires a slight re-wording, I feel it's a little vague as is and needs a little more description to blend in better with the rest of the stanza. You've opened with an excellent metaphor.
L8 needs a comma at the end and L9 doesn't require the word "were" & I love "spider-sparrows", it's very original.
Stanza 3 is stellar...description, imagery and metaphor are excellent.
L16...truly excellent.
I love the emotion you have going on in this, it's deep and forces your reader to hold their breath and truly feel your words.
The ending has the kick it requires...it's perfect.
I've so missed reading you and am glad I had this opportunity. This is a truly excellent piece and it's good to see your poetic growth. I'm never disappointed after reading you and still believe you're the Master of Metaphor.
Love you bro, do well.
Laura x
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L2 - you're right
How does this sound?
Gust bustled into kitchen,
taking more than windows
to transparent truths,
broken with shattered dishes
and chipped plates: this mess,
a work of your mouth.
or does it sound tacked on?
As for line 8 - how i have it is needed:
storms as you pretended
plasma webs were puked lies
of spider-sparrows
basically, what i am saying is that; she was pretending that plasma webs [lightning] were puked lies of spider-sparrows [spider's weave a web (of lies) as a sparrow is a bird in the sky, etc.].
aka
she said that the others were lying.
Maybe the phrasing there makes more sense now? lol
Thank you so much for the critique. Ily sis.
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First stanza is spot on now and the alliteration is brilliant, ties it in perfectly
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