Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

frozen sorrow





december’s breath reeks of ice:

sideways snowfall
toward clouded windows-

glass shattered; disfigured reflections
blend with frost,

crunching contemplations.

it's hard to tell what time
leaves will abandon lovers

& how wind nonchalantly steals
subtle trust:
                      unsaid promises, assumed-

bark bleeds sap as icicles hang
from eclipsed eyelids.









Author notes

prompt:
december's knocking at howling trees
-melissa gayle

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • Never Fall in Love
    July 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    You were always good with metaphor.


  • apples fell
    June 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I have two critical suggestions, and they are more opinion than anything else. I think the word "toward" seems a little odd used where you have included it. Think it also is the "sideways snowfall" that messes up the piece. I don't much care for the sound (in my inner ear) this image makes in general. And my second observation is that some of it reads rather stunted. I think the punctuation choices might be constricting it as well. Your ending is fantastic though. I like this as a whole expression, but think it could be strengthened here and there.

    ;


    • Tangled Angle
      June 24, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      "sideways snowfall
      against clouded windows"

      is that better?

      the image i was trying to go for was a blizzard, and the snow & gust slamming against the window.
      -shrug-

      as for the alliteration, i was trying to go for an icy feel. 'sssss' i dont know, it just makes me think of ice?
      haha

      anyway

      thanks for the critique.


      • apples fell
        June 25, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Oh yes. Against works so much better.

        I can see the blizzard and the wind, don't get me wrong...I just felt that the language in places felt a little constricted. I can see how it works though if you want the quick, forced imagery. Like the wind, I guess.

        I am glad that I was helpful. I try where I can.


  • Ryno
    June 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Yuck, ew, gross. I just left behind winter here and now its nice warm summer. I don't want to think about winter anymore, you hear me? lol.

    But that was the crazy thing about this poem, you placed me perfectly into winter. Very strong imagery in here


  • Kari gold member
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Damn. For some reason this really made me miss winter lol. Loved the imagery in this piece. Now this is poetry.

1 - 6 of 6