since he first touched me
against my will when i was seven years old
i have been starving myself to the point
you could sit and count
every single one of my bones
sometimes i binge
i eat all the foods my mother told me
not to have to many of
and then with my stomach
feeling the satisfaction of food inside
i go to the toilet
and i stick something down my throat
and all that lovely wonderful food
comes back up...
when i got to high school it got worse
i had to do more
i had to eat less
i got involved with sports
volleyball, basketball, and track
i would hit the gym
before and after school
as well as during lunch
if i got hungry
i would take a sip of water
sometimes maybe some Gatorade
until the hunger pains went away
skinny as giraffe's necks
bony as a skeleton
finally my friends started to notice
they would force food down my throat
sometimes they would tie me to a chair
just to make sure i would keep it all in
but you see by now..
i didn't need to put anything down my throat
i could just start to gag myself
and eventually it would come up
my friends didn't think it was very clever
but they have stuck by my side
through thick and thin
they helped me get better
or so we thought
i joined the army of one
but i was seriously underweight
they gave me a waiver
and put me on a four a meal a day plan
i would stand there
as my drill Sgt filled up my plate
piled it so high for every meal
that i thought he was crazy
and my battle buddy
would sit across from me
making sure i ate every last bite
every single meal we would be
the very last to get up from the table
every night the drill Sgts
would hand me an m.r.e.
that i was to eat before lights out
i would eat most of it
my battle would eat some too
she pitied me i think
how closely they would monitor me
they only guessed at my past
never once did i say
thank you for helping me
fight this battle another day
becoming fat as a bear
its been two years since then
and i am slowly slipping back
to what i was before
for those two years i was "healthy"
i look at myself now
all i see is skin and bones
i don't want to be what i was before
but slowly I'm losing this battle
traveling back to my old ways
some days its easy
some days its hard
some days i lose
some days i gain
some days i flux
like a roller coaster
Author notes
i have been fighting this disorder since i got raped when i was seven years old and got pregnant.. at the end of my sophomore year in high school when i was 15 my friends finally realized that you could literally see every single one of my bones...for two years they helped me try and get healthy they stood besides me when i thought i was fat and ugly. when i was 18 i joined the army..i wasn't able to leave until i was 19 because i had to wait for a medical waiver for my weight..i weighed 102lbs at 5ft 8in..i was 40lbs underweight...i really loved it when i got out of training i was at 150lbs and i looked great..but sadly..I'm going back to my old ways..this past June i was down to 110
I'm currently sitting at 130..(DEC 08)
is willing to be interviewed...
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A contest entry
- Eating Disorders and Depression by BarbedWireButterfly.
900 points, ended July 16, 2008, 34 entries
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I know how hard this battle must be for you, as an ongoing condition to be dealing with - a friend of mine from home is suffering with this, for the last number of years, and a better friend suffers from Anorexia -
You worded this so openly, so honestly .. and so descriptively, some phrases brought up forgotten images and memories ...
thank you for having the courage to share it with us -
I know how hard this battle must be for you, as an ongoing condition to be dealing with - a friend of mine from home is suffering with this, for the last number of years, and a better friend suffers from Anorexia -
You worded this so openly, so honestly .. and so descriptively, some phrases brought up forgotten images and memories ...
thank you for having the courage to share it with us
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aw its full of emotions...your point came across well
keep it uppp!
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wow...*huggles* be strong, girlie....i send you my hopes and my heart goes out to you....
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Interesting. Not my personal favourite type of poem (the story telling thing) but still good =D Anyway, the message was quiet clear and the angel good. Thank you for entering and good luck =D. I shall message you about the interview at the end of the contest when I've got your username or feel free to send it to me, either way is fine by me =D
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wow...thats so terrifying how that happended to you...seven...omg...and pregant...you probably had no clue what was going on...the long suffering years you've had tog o through...but I;m glad to see your still here and alive and healing one step at a time.....
Great write
I give you 20 points
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young I may be, but I understand your struggle...it's easy...skip a meal here, a meal there, after awhile, eating just makes you sick...
keep trying
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Holy cow....Wow that was some seriously intimate and emotional writing. This leaves me almost speachless....with not much else to say except do everything in your God given power to search for your strength.....Your not alone in this, you have seen whats its like to get better AND you have the insight enough to know and admit what is.
The fact that you courageously tell your truths instead of hiding behind denial....shows me so much potential for hope.
This was very hard hitting, good luck to you in the contest....
Good luck to you in this, your battle.... I wish I had better words, some way of expressing the feelings this invoked....all I have for you is, God Bless, and may prayer and strength find you.
Jamie
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unfortunately my strength lies with my soldier and his friends.. who are serving in iraq currently.. for those that helped me in high school i believe there are only 3 still in this area.. if their are more i lost touch with them a long time ago..
when i got injured this time last year i started missing meals to begin with i didnt notice.. cause it was when i started taking pills for the pain..and they sometimes made me loopy.. i thought that it was cause of the pills the lack of apitiate... (spelled it wrong i know)... i moved in with a few of the guys while i was still in service so the mornings i couldnt drive or would over sleep cause of the meds i still had a way to work.. they noticed i wasnt eating much.. now these boys are much on cooking.... but man would they try.. i remember one time and ive perty much been having it ever since.. garlic and cheese mash potatoes 
with a bit of sausage thrown in.. 
when they first brought it too me i thought they were crazy 
..but when i tried it.. i 
and told them they were geniuses ..now my boyfriend..he used to wake me up in the mornings with mcdonalds 
and if i said i wasnt hungry..he wouldnt touch me..kiss me..hold me..nothing..just 
at me..until i started eating..
trust me..it took me my junior and senior year in high school to finally realize just what it was i had..i think this is a fight that i will be fighting my whole life..because the longer you have it without realizing it..the harder it is to finally get rid of..i know that..and understand that..but it doesnt mean i have to like it..
thank you..
laura
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