Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

there are times

 

 

 





there are times
when you wonder why

you keep doing what you do

digging that hole
a little deeper
day by day

is it because the blind dumb sides
forever in a circle
offer the comfort of the grave

as the small plug of sky recedes
we lose sense of what it is
it becomes a circle of blue paint

sealing up that last escape

 

 

 



If I had written this
in first person

it could be construed
as overly pessimistic

even suicidal

that's why

I didn't

 

 

 

.... 

Author notes

How am I with depressing? :-)

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? • Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6

  • sandybeaches gold member
    July 7

    Edit | Reply
    Oh...you're very good with depressing actually! Digging a never ending hole, running on a hamster wheel...not fun! ***Pam***

  • ecrivain01 silver member
    July 6
    Edit | Reply

    I'd say you nailed it ...

    but I have reservations about these lines:

    is it because the blind dumb sides (?)
    forever in a circle

    They don't seem to work well together, and the first line of the two doesn't even sound like English to me. It sounds confused.

    Other than that, this is a good job.


  • Luna Tique Fringe gold member
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    This made me hold my breath, so you were good indeed.
    The last four lines, wow. ''plug of sky''


  • malmadre gold member
    June 23
    Edit | Reply
    I kind of like the thought of digging a hole to hide in, so it's more of a protective secure place, as long as I can take my computer and playstation down there with me, like a mole...writing poetry and shooting zombies.
    The image of that small blue circle of sky goes pretty deep but keep it in sight..just in case.


  • Grunts Girl
    June 22
    Edit | Reply
    how are you with depressing?
    good enough that i am coming through the screen to kick you in the ars to make you go play outside
    is that the real reason for not writing it in first person.. or that it would maybe hit too close to home and in some protective way you keep the distance on purpose? just where I went.
    as always I do adore reading you


  • mtpoet
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    Great observations here... I think first person might have been the stronger voice & the fact that only the sky is above would make it less suicidal... One typo... Receeds=recedes...

1 - 6 of 6