They sit strapped
in wheeled chairs,
staring back to
who knows where.
Ancient faces
devoid of emotion,
blocking their
current situation,
as they run on
tiny mental feet,
back through the meadows
of their childhood long lost.
She lies mannequin like
without passion,
under the thrust
of his flesh,
in a marriage gone sour.
Dutifully fulfilling her vows,
as a repository of his lust,
but she feels nothing
except emptiness,
as he fills her.
He stands in
his oval office,
gazing out at a
discombobulated country,
his feet trapped
in a web of
his own making,
a lame duck.
As troops die
in futile causes,
he created under
false pretense,
while oil climbs
and his popularity
tumbles to an early grave.
A path he chose
to becoming,
Apathetic man....
A pathetic man.
She sways on
the rail of a bridge,
in the wee
hours of mourn,
gathering the courage,
to finally do something
about the nothing of her life,
A passing car
of young Punks
yells,"Jump, Jump!"
Just as she realizes
that nothing else matters,
She turns to face them,
spreading her arms wide
and then she is gone.
Free falling to
the rocks below,
as their mouths fall open,
and hers is closed
in a silent scream for help.
There are no
solutions for apathy,
for the people
who are drowning in it,
because that would require
caring and they don't.
Would you??
A contest entry
- 3 MOS. Gold MEMBERSHIP-updated to 600 points! and feature, Prompt: APATHY- Give Dark Writing a Try... by ears2hearyou.
1300 points, ended July 10, 2008, 24 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
-
Oh, Artis...this is absolutely, hands down, the best in the show...and to date my favorite of yours. wow, I'm so glad this was recognised for the gold it is
luv, luna
-
Brilliant and Beautiful.
"She lies mannequin like
without passion,
under the thrust
of his flesh,
in a marriage gone sour.
Dutifully fulfilling her vows,
as a repository of his lust,
but she feels nothing
except emptiness,
as he fills her."
That was by far my favourite part of the poem, the wording and imagery was absolutely perfect. Thank you for sharing this, it was nothing short of amazing.
-
Really like the stark opening, it conveys mood and tone so effectively. Brief lines also enhance this and the way you write ' as they run on/tiny metal feet/back through the meadows/of their childhood long lost' really captures the sense of tragedy that runs throughout this. Great use of contrasting imagery with the use of meadows - the less adventurous would probably have used shadows and that would've been a cliche - this really encapsulates the freedom of running through a meadow and the reality of being imprisoned in the chair.
The second stanza is even more bleak and again brillinatly captures a clear sense of mood and feeling. How many have found themselves in such a situation and again you use the contrast effectively in the closing lines of the stanza.
And the third stanza becomes highly political - again the feelings are raw and well expressed but you may like to think about the length of this stanza - it doesn't flow the same somehow. Similar situation with the suicide stanza - that is just so raw and creates the futility of the character's life and situation very very well. I like the way you contrast the ordinary life with that of an allegedly powerful figure.
Good to read a mature and intelligently expressed write, but now I think I want to read something to cheer me up.
Great write overall, thanks for sharing.
-
Hi
I felt a chill when reading this. You have captured some difficult moments to express and crafted them wonderfully. Despite what's been said about grammar, this is a powerful and evocative piece.
I loved the lines:
'as they run on
tiny mental feet,
back through the meadows
of their childhood long lost.' They were poignant and reflective. I also loved:
'A path he chose
to becoming,
Apathetic man....
A pathetic man.' Wordsmith craftsmanship!
-
This is a piece that is raw, and has a lot of stark emotion that a lot of people can relate to. There are a few grammatical errors, like how 'mannequin like' should be mannequin-like, but it's not a really big deal. I do have to ask, though; when you say 'in the wee hours of mourn, is that a typo where you meant 'morn', or do you mean one of the earlier stages of a grief that leads to her eventual suicide in the end of the poem? Other than that, it was a really great write.
-
i really like this
i thought it was really powerful
respect dude -
Grammar. Check your grammar, as there were a few errors, mainly being:
'She lies 'mannequin like'Should be 'mannequin-like'
I have read this now and it is very very sad. It is dark. And tells of a world that really does not care about any individual. Your imagery in this was very strong. This was something that came across well. I thought that some of the stanzas could have been broken down.
For instance, there should be full stops, where the stanzas, I felt, came to a natural end. Instead, you have commas. Saying that, your piece was very well written with a sort of 'brooding' atmosphere to it. Dark...? Yes. But not dark enough for my taste. More, sadness and brooding. then complete darkness.
You were on the edge with this piece. And I was willing you to jump. To go that step further and jump. Good idea, with this piece of yours if you could have wrote it in the 1st person, instead of the 3rd person. It would have come out a lot stronger too.
Having said that, your effort is quite superb. You are clearly a writer with some talent. With a few brush ups here and there, you could be quite a writer indeed. I will award you 2 claps for this piece of fine work.
Below, I have mentioned one or two other things for you to read. I hope that they don't come across as too critical. Believe me, I am the last person to criticize anyone. It was just points that I noticed, little errors. They can be overcome.
With
Dark
Wishes
Wayne Leon
Keep writing.
OK, first things first:
'discombobulated country'
That word there is just too long. If you meant 'confused' then USE 'confused' Or to 'upset', or to 'frustrate'. As the words I have used all mean the same thing as what you have there. Always try not to over-complicate a word, when a simple word would do the job just as well.
This should be 'mannequin-like'.
of their childhood 'long lost'.
Should be long-lostShe sways on
the rail of a bridge,
in the wee
hours of 'mourn',Should be 'MORN'.
-
dude, this is really really good
i really like it -
Applause-applause-applause!
wow! did you ever capture it...APATHY......and so very
cleverly too!
From both sides of the door..and political too!
Absolutely irresistable is this well written dark and
lovely poem.
Luscious layers and textures to enjoy!
Must be a master poet unleashing his dark soul!
loved this poem!
thankyou for your entry, humble bow!
ears/Seattle
way to write!
-
Most excellent examples of apathy, I love the imagery here. "Tiny mental feet", "emptiness as he fills her" and the brilliant play on Apathetic/A pathetic. I think the fourth stanza is the most poignant. Apathy killing apathy. The title is so apt! Beautiful and sorrowful.
-
Amazing!!!
Best of luck in this contest!!!
Adding your comment:
1 - 11 of 11
