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Sunday was all showy with Yellow Daffodils

 

 

hanging their heads, shameful

he, painted his face the same colour

she watched him nod his head, far away

 

she cannot remember why, he said he loved her

or what now transpired between the - i love you's

and the silence -                              then the morning of the ether-carried note

 

                                                     - i shall be in touch when my six weeks training are up!

 

nothing but yellow

 

blooms in the thoughts of existence

she picked the fallen letters

& dead-headed them

never having smelled their scent

or felt the brush of their plume

 

Angeline sits in the forest with her now

brushing her hair, telling of days gone

of Northern Soul dancing

and music that can lift your spirits

 

higher than a yellow cowardly sun

that sits on another skyline

thinks he can play

chess with Manchester chimney pots

 

underneath the shadow of the crown and mitre bricks

she waits in her little yard

for the clouds to send her message

 

she nods

 

 



 

 

 

 

Author notes

it's all here,please - no pity parties or 'i told you so's' ..
i know a fools place, it sits right here

In a list

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Never Fall in Love
    July 2, 2008

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    Well, when I first read it, It was obviously personal. That's probably wh on the first read, I ddn't understand much of it and so it felt like mismatched thoughts. Critique-wise, there isn't much to say. On second read, this remained as an intricate trail of thought - and those are very interesting so I wouldn't change that. Also, I don't think "dead-head" is a word. Behead, yes, not dead-head. I could be wrong though... Oh, this may be personal preference, but the name - I'd leave out. Some will say it allows the poem to have more character .. but I feel that names make the poem hard for a reader to relate.

    But as I said, this is personal and so you'd have every right to not take my critique. Other than that, this leaks with sadness - well done.


  • individuality gold member
    June 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i love the colour - color lol in the beginning - nice gentle imagery there that sets you on your toes i think. i am not too ken on the arrangement but that's okay, we can not please everyone all the time. i would have liked to see some more use of punctuation involved too - hehehe - ah this madness we live in called life, it is all good, but we can be picky when we want yes? a good piece, i like the emotional aspect here.


  • michael thomas gold member
    June 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    always superior words that interlock with your search for answers.


  • apples fell
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Oh Gilly. I tried to bring about a constructive critique but every time I went about saying something, I merely couldn’t make the comment work for me. I think this poem is needed, love. So I don’t think I should give you advice. Right now you should be focusing on helping yourself and anything I said here would barely do the piece justice. This is very observant Gillian, as your poetry always is. I think when someone hurts us, we must pour out the poetry to the best of our ability. So, I love you girl. This comment is shit constructively, but I love you. And that’s what matter most.

    Always.

    ;


  • ArtFullyMe silver member
    June 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply







  • The Bear
    June 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This wind blow it all away.


  • The Unknown Poet1
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    beautifully sad in all ways. What strength in review! I understand personal but the talent shines as does the heart of the writer. I would rather swing on a dying star then look from the window. Breathe gather and swing once again. Just a beautiful write


  • Night Hope gold member
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Angeline sits in the forest with her now
    brushing her hair, telling of days gone
    of Northern Soul dancing
    and music that can lift your spirits"

    Yeahhh, like Motown. Crank it up, my Friend. I'm glad Angeline is with you. One needs a hairbrushing now & again. I'd mentioned to a friend earlier today something I'd told my mother once; "we are not wrong for being giving, nurturing souls ~ they are wrong for taking advantage of it, for using that as a sword against us." As the saying goes, "Men. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em." No pity from this quarter, either. Never an "I told you so". Life is a risk, all the way around. So is love. Bless you for trying (& succeeding, each day), Sweetie. Good luck in the contest. Wanda


  • Thoughts-of-Soloman
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    EXQUISITE!

    As said before...
    None of us are fools for situations we end up in, it IS the way we deal with them that counts. You are greatly admirable and strong here.

    And anyway, this is another brilliant write from you and yes, coming from the way you 'hold' things. The way you still hold the 'beauty' none the less.

    This part is my favourite, in that it IS EXQUISITE!

    'higher than a yellow cowardly sun
    that sits on another skyline
    thinks he can play
    chess with Manchester chimney pots'

    Says much in little or what!

    Take independent flight to everything you love Gilly, It'll surly meet you, as it does when you turn to it, every time.


    Sol x


  • Elora Danon gold member
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Mary is right, there are no I told you sos. When one hurts, we all hurt. But we're also here to tell you that you are strong, you are amazing and you ARE loved - both inside and out.

    There are shoulders out here more than capable to take on the weight of your world if you need them.

    Head up and keep walking Gilly. You took the chance - and for that you should always, always be proud.


  • Cat gold member
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    the depths of human emotion
    the highs and lows
    dance equally inside your pen

    there are no ugly i told you sos

    only a woman and a pen
    and all the friends who love her

    m


  • Grunts Girl silver member
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ''she picked the fallen letters
    & dead-headed them''

    what is there to say to that but



  • Nicolette gold member
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You are just amazing, do you know that, gilly?

    I know the "story" behind the letters, the daffodils, etc and i know courage - i know you: you are courage personified, my friend

    I remember how we used to talk about love and loss, about rejection, about fools, about being soft but strong, about taking chances...but mostly about love and giving...you can hold your head high 'cause your a survivor, a victor - always. The loss and the pity isn't yours...

    love you...yebo gogo



    ~ Nicolette


  • parenchma
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This reminds me of the dynamic in a relationship, when a man's focus turns to what he needs to do to win the world for the woman he loves. His attention, that she has been bathed in, is now on the tasks; and the woman feels unloved in the new dryness.


  • Lucy.
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love this poem actually and love you too. You're beautiful, you know that? You know that.


  • Cannonsfire
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Never pity here dear friend, just a shoulder and a place for your head to sit and take pot shots at stars. Love, C

  • Suzanne Dia
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply


    I love daffodils, actually, they so clearly state their beauty. Perhaps they appear rather vain, but their lives, they are pretty simple, no?

    What have they but the sun, the dirt below them, and the beauty they possess so plainly.

    They should be showy....

    Not every flower hides in the shade, if they all did this world would be a very dull place, my sister.

    Let people say what they will, but you should not think the same.

    When beauty finds you, you share it so wholly, that there is nothing foolish about it.

    My words never called you a fool, they cautioned you out of fear of the other side, that's all.

    I despise I-told-you-so's .. we spoke of mothers the other day. I told you so is a mother's phrase, not a sister's...



    I love you


    • NurseChilly gold member
      June 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      i know girl.. i know it wasn't for you

      you have shown me nothing but love and support, no matter what.. no matter what, who, when, where, how and who the fucking well wants a piece of us!! huh.. hell yeah girl

      we are the survivors are... i love you


  • apples fell
    June 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I've taken this into wordpad.
    Will leave you a full comment when I get up.
    Not much critique wise, but just my thoughts and
    I will be able to expand without being on here.



    ;

  • Lucy.
    June 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Only flying through, but no fool's place for you. I'll be back later
    XXX XXX

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