Beauty is also all between the 'Yes' and 'No':
Absence of potential, in degree's of darker widths and narrows,
would leave us no knowledge.
In limits witnessed arise possibilities, heinous when subjective.
Acts with absence, lost from good, so form to be discerned.
To serve discernment rightly must surely be good.
When did bad serve good?
As partial spirit of intention leans to thinnest light of black
it knowingly colours choices, deep in interests for its pet.
Black rat so removed from its wholeness, it looks like a turd not a rat.
Not a rat, we know it's a turd.
All the countless things it's not, making what it is.
Everything it's not, is what it is; 'existence' by subtraction.
Being and not-being, Light and dark, good and bad
just as 'back follows front' when -
A whole, huge animal rides, composed of Interdependence,
held inside the belly of a beautiful soaring Bird,
which dives to play in dreaming...
and partial can serve evil, in relative 'existence.'
Acted from a low degree between the part and whole,
testing plus minus polarities wrapped around the known.
Relative being brings results; non-being's lack of :
affection, humility, accordance... lack of lack.
How he hated the medicine with bitter taste how hated the affliction;
physical pain, ill health, cruelty from infidelity,
all within the relative, nothing evil in itself.
Only: a religion says so, it's a community standard
it doesn't meet his temperament, it doesn't satisfy her desires.
None changes Truth. Existence?
There is nothing but the bare essence of things which are not good or evil.
ignorance, falsehood, disharmony, sin
The only absolute good is pure being.
Good and evil are subjective not objective reality.
There is nothing but
the bare essence of things.
Author notes
'Sin'
Absence lacking absence:
Simply a double negative meaning that something is present because of not, not being there and that 'thing' only 'exists' through a relative absence of being within itself.
Lacking the absence of the narrow partial which acts from it,
in order to bring it into 'forms' in relative existence.
A partial so removed from its original wholeness
that the wholeness has become unrecognisable in it.
Recognisable only by its inferred opposite.
For example 'Hunger' only exists in that 'Nutrition' exists.
A contest entry
- sin by ArtFullyMe.
2200 points, ended July 20, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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I am going to abstain from too much comment on this, as apples has already suggested technical changes, and I suspect this for you is likely one of those ongoing challenges you may return to ....so instead I'm going to give you some text from something I wrote quite a while ago as ...in a way it applies .. to your first line
"
"When old age shall this generation waste,
Thou shalt remain, in midst of other woe
Than ours, a friend to man, to whom thou say'st,
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty"---that is all
Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know"
4.
Can it be Mr. Keats. Is it so?
that those five little words
in your portent known ode;
those ones about beauty and truth
which speak of them well
yet seem to negate;
the bend of that damnable road
[ since it's easy to covet Spring flowers
and harder to beautify death ]
Is it so Mr. Keats is it so,
or am I more mad than I dream?
Vulgarity screams or so it seems
when we're reaped from this life - harvest short.
So evil so vile, each act of offense
whose horror portrays ugliness
yet taken as true in the fact that they are,
they must stand in the light of those words:
"Beauty is truth, truth beauty"
which make every wrong change its dress.
Can it be that its purely aesthetic
from the eye which beholds to behold?
Or maybe this life too un-pretty
is simply the beauty we shelve,
not split into pies of most winning
or baked into bread thats gone stale.
If what that old Keats was saying
means beauty is equal to truth
then all of the rotten we bury
and all of the slime which is wealth
becomes the mere truth of our beauty,
corrupt as that thought is itself."
thank you so very much for your entry, and the thought, you put into your words.
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You know, I've not commented before now because this hurts my head.
Suffice to say though, that I already know we see the same on this matter, so I'm going to give myself a break and stop reading it!
It's a wonderful entry, good luck in the contest.X
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Ah!!
This is very well put! I am tired, and may have missed a few things, but the end wraps it up nicely, showed me I was still following alright.
IT is so true, that nothing exists but bare essence. Things such as organised religion and foolish people paint disgustingly inacurrate portrayals and this is what has forced us to feel guilt and pass judgement unto others... but you have opened my eyes to this, thankyou.
There is really no such thing as sin - how freakin deep!!
I admit now that this piece is as you said rather wordy, too much so for a poor girl-child at a quarter to three of the morn. I shall review this again at a later date and offer further insight of outside opinion - - but for now, I only say...
this is one of the deepest and most accurate thought s I have ever read I am proud to know it !!! Fantastic effort and it is well written, that much my unrest-drunken self realises (no I'm not drunk, I'm drunk on lack of sleep)...
Bravo!
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Much thanks for your large encouragement...
and that feeling, ' drunk on lack of sleep' ... I know it Oh' so well!
Sol
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I really like the slight changes you have performed. I know that you are still unsure about parts towards the end, but I can tell you straight up that I think there is a vast improvement here. That ending, like we have spoken about it an IM, might be too hard to mess with, without losing the meaning. So the listyness is starting to grow on me. The rest of the piece has really started to come together. I think it is all a matter of word placement and our own meanings than can strengthen a piece. Like these changes. I'll be checking back periodically to see what else you do.
Always in love and writing,
James
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Such a big sandwich to get my mouth around! The only suggestion I would make is to bring in some more personal attributes, less 'out-there' ideals and more 'in my skin' experiences of this very thing...intolerance of being fully human. I think my favorite line is, 'The only absolute good is pure being'...WOW, what a golden line that is!...This is one I will read over and over...it's chock full of good things to chew on, if I could just open my mouth wide enough...LOL...Love this one, even in it's infancy. Peace, Rhonda
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Good way of putting it, I'm struggling to get my mouth around it myself!
Yes, trying to not colour the 'meaning' too much while making poetic has been a little trying with this one. Thanks for your unfailing encouragement and I hope to get further with it quite soon.
Sol
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This piece is excellent Karim and very thought provoking. :)
I believe that good and bad are connected. You can't feel the good if you didn't taste the meaning of bad.
I think we all born without sin 'fitrh' but with free will. We choose to sin or not. A moral sense is inborn in man. It is the standard of man's behavior. Even it may vary from one person to another slightly. Human moral standards are universal and this is nothing to do with religion. We know when we choose to sin, when we sin, and we know that feeling when it pinches us deep within the soul.
I believe there is dramatic difference between humans and animals. We human beings have the capacity to sin largely but we are able to suppress our natural desires for a time. We are quite different from animals (rats, turds..) they only live obeying their perceptions of the present and their instinctive drives. We are able to look at the concept of things and for an intention to act. This conscious intention can override even the most powerful of our instincts. Through it we have capacity to cause ourselves harm in the short term in order to realize the greater good in the long term. As an inevitable part of this we gain the potential to cause ourselves harm.
Allah says: 'If I were to punish everyone for their sins, then NOTHING would remain in existence.'
Sorry for my ramblings. This is what came to my mind from reading your piece. You always bring some interesting subjects. This was really a fantastic piece.Ruby :)
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Ruby, Thank you for such generous and clear comment and I find agreement with all you have said, most articulately if I may say so.
Yes, Man is witness to himself and it is for him to choose how to follow what he keeps company with in his heart.
Bless you
Sol
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"evil" and "good" are definitely very subjective. I like this philosophy, I find it holds truer than most.
I hate the sound of an ice cream truck. It gives me the heebie jeebies in the worst possible way, really. Leaves me with a haunted tune all day long .. that is evil (in my world)
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I quite agree! ...
That is unless you really are gagging for an ice cream!
May we never be so desperate.
This one I'm finding interesting and also quite tough to deal with... am enjoying though of course and open to possibly many changes in it before the end of the day.
Thanks for looking in!
Sol
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The bit that stood out for me was the verse that begins "Because a religion says so" How can a religion satisfy the needs of an individual.The individual has to be, to feel, to experience the very esscence of spirituality.In this there is no good or evil, only peace.an interesting write, Ros
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Here I am emerald man.
"All between
the 'Yes' and 'No'.
Absence
of dark narrow
partial acting its act,
leaves us with no knowledge."
- Ok well I’m on the fence about this part.
I want either “acting” or “act” for some reason. Both just seems odd. I do love the beginning though. As well as the “absence of Dark marrow”. “leaves us with no knowledge” is not bad Either, but I wonder if maybe you could say something like “with no knowledge” or something less explanatory.
"Sin"
- Not sure you should include the word directly into the poem. At least not this way. Maybe you might consider hiding it further in the stanza? Not making it stick out so much if you decide to Keep it.
"heinous yet subjective
an act
with absence,
lost that to make it good,
brings 'form' to be discerned."
- I’m having a little trouble with this bit. It seems
Like you are trying to explain the art of sin directly and I Don’t think you want to simply state how sin corrupts or Discerns. I think you may want to consider making this part More of an expression, instead of a statement.
"To serve
discernment is good.
When did bad serve good?"
- Again, I would like to see some more descriptions here. Instead of just a statement. Though if that is what you were Going for, then it is alright. But still. Seems odd.
"Partial spirit
of intention leaning
into thinnest light of black
knowingly makes choices for the
interests of its pet"
- Now see here I like this part. I’m having a little trouble Following you in this stanza, but I like the way you have used Imagery to put across intensity. To be honest I am having a Little trouble following the piece in general, not just in parts, But I also have to keep in mind that some expressions are more Personal and hence, this way be completely because I am Reading it incorrectly.
"A rat so removed from its wholeness, it looks like a turd not a rat.
Not a rat we know it's a turd. All the countless things it's not
making it what it is. Everything it's not is what it is.
A huge Rat called Interdependence
A beautiful soaring bird
dives to play in -
Dreaming"
- I don’t know why but it feels like you finally hit gold here. Started to even out what you were trying to say. Though I am Wondering if the repetition with the rat imagery and within the Sentence structure is needed. I think some of the words could be Clipped and you could easily still keep that tone, if you wanted.
sinful
serving evil
in relative existence.
Acted from a low degree
between the part and whole,
plus minus polarities wrapped around the known.
- Again, I wish you hadn’t directly used sinful in the poem, since it is in a sin contest. But this is personal preference and that may be what you were looking for, so, it’s ok. I do like the Word play though afterwards. The last three lines here are my Favorite lines in this particular piece, as a whole. Reminds me Of a poet, whom I can’t exactly remember, but yes, like them...LOL.
"Relative being brings results non-being's lack of :
affection, humility, accordance. Lack of; lack of lack.
Infliction of;
physical pain, ill health, cruelty,
from infidelity,
all within evil relative, nothing evil in itself."
- This bit here seems to express in a different way then the Rest of the poem. It does feel inconsistent, but not in a bad Way. More broken down and picked apart though, which Just seems odd held up to the rest of your piece. I would Like to see you create a few solid images, instead of just Use word play as the central focus. I do like this though: “from infidelity, all within evil relative, nothing evil in itself” I think it is just two really strong lines.
"Because:
a religion says so
of a community standard
it doesn't meet a temperament
it doesn't satisfy desires of an individual.
None changes Truth.
Existence?
There is nothing but the bare essence of things
which are not good or evil."
- I wish you hadn’t started the stanza with “because”
Something about that word always strikes me as awkward. Not within the confines of a poem usually, but at the Beginning of a stanza, it just seems to be weak. However, I also think this is another of the strongest parts in your piece. The last two lines and the imagery here is strong. How you Introduce existence as a question is unique. Most would Just delve directly into the last two lines. I like that question Asked outwards, works. I also liked the repetition of “it Doesn’t”.
“sin, ignorance, falsehood, infidelity, disharmony,
The only absolute good is pure being.
good and evil are subjective not an objective reality.
There is nothing but
the bare essence of things.”
- And this all seems strange to me. The poem suddenly
Starts to break apart into this new format. I’m not sure you Even needed to throw out your original stanza bits For these distant and separated lines. Again I would Also like to see the word sin not play such a specific Role here. I remember you telling me that this type of Contest was not in your league, though I don’t think it Is that which has hurt this piece. It’s the lack of direction In places. If you could add a few things in-between to Better explain your deep thinking, a lot of the poem Would read so much better to me. The ending though, The last line, is a great choice of word use and finalization. However, if the stanza could be brought together more Like the rest of the piece, I would love these lines, instead Of only parts. I guess I would like to see instead of a list Of words here, some actual meat to back it up.
And that’s that.
Hopefully this really in-depth critique you will find
Helpful. It’s not everyday that I have someone ask me
For such a comment. I know that you will take this
Advice and imply what you agree with, and disregard
The rest. Which is what I like about sharing these types Of critiques with you. However, because I could never Do this constantly, you’ll have to forgive me if I am Not always this thorough.
Thank for letting me get lost in your piece Sol.
I enjoyed it immensely.
;
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WOW!!!
You have been generous!
Will look through my 'gift' now... what a present from you!
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I have to read your IM a few times...LOL. So I make sure I don't miss anything. I am very glad that you find it helpful though. I got carried away commenting, but I think that's a good thing. 
And yes a present. It is rare I get this lost in a piece of poetry.
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Wow. I have this off site in wordpad, like I told you in an IM. So I am going to try and leave you some in-depth and helpful critiquing. Thanks for warranting me to do so, by the way.
Be back in awhile.
;
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