Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Goodbye, In Degrees



Like children,
latching onto mother's breast,
we have weaned ourselves
so slowly.

First, magic nights,
rocking intimately

in each others arms,
were lullabies
no longer sung.

Then, suckling safety
in guaranteed acceptance,
you glanced behind
while taking baby steps
toward another's outstretched arms.

I allowed this freedom,
swallowed every instinct,
releasing you by degrees,
never knowing I
would suffer so;
like peeling skin and tissue,
layer, by layer,
until only bone exists.

I thought you'd always be here,
even while hearts were emptied,

room, by room.

Separation came too soon.
Yet, no graduation celebration.
Standing on sorrow's porch, I wave:
Goodbye, my love, goodbye...

I hope you packed good memories.

Author notes

PO Judge's Contest
Theme: relationships that drag out long past their official end.

This is not a poem I would normally enter into a PO contest...but, it is what it is. Constructive feedback would be highly appreciated, by anyone and everyone.

A huge thanks to Bear and my other co-judges for the support and giving me the additional time I needed to finish something, along with my sincere apologies.

A contest entry

Constructive feedback is highly appreciated

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 27 of 27

  • Andantino gold member
    October 7

    Edit | Reply
    Letting go is so difficult, whether a child or a relationship that has run its course. Beautifully written!


  • azlyn gold member
    April 2

    Edit | Reply
    Such a touching write...I felt every word of this in my heart and soul...congrats. on the Silver!!!


    Az


  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    March 26
    Edit | Reply
    Just have to comment on this again. So heartbreaking...

  • Freed by Mercy silver member
    December 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hoodwinked!

    A masterful metaphor relating the inevitable seperation of mother and child with the end of a relationship. I feel the sadness and longing in this piece.

    I'm glad you're home, hun.


  • Lady Altheia
    December 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hoodwnked

    Cool, I thought this ws posdsibly about a mother bird kicking her birdlings out of the nest. Congrats on the silver.


  • Never Fall in Love
    August 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "like peeling skin and tissue,
    layer, by layer,
    until only bone exists."

    It's crazy how literal that became. There's a softness in your free verse that I don't usually find in anyone's else's. Almost as if you're always about to give up and living on edges.

    ♥


  • LadyDementia gold member
    August 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Congrats on the silver!

    Wow, fantastic ending to an awesome write! I love how you kept the theme throughout, I so often loose track. And no rhyme here...to be able to pen both so beautifully is true talent Freeverse is something I really stuggle with. The imagery and emotion carry such deep sorrow, really does tug when reading. Superb work, so pleased you have a trophy with it


  • Antonio Valentino
    August 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The more this poem went along the better it got. The ending was the kicker. Terrific job dear poet. I hope all is well with you. Congratulations on the trophy.

    Antonio


  • Endeavor gold member
    July 25, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Hi Julie


    Just reading again

    Rick


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    July 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ohh that is so sad, and I know where it comes from! Goodbyes are never easy.. and never 'good'!

    Beautifully penned and congrats on the silver!


  • Loveandblessings2u gold member
    July 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have no clue how I missed this piece.
    I completely understand this, more
    than you know. I piece has really touched
    my heart, because I can honestly say as sad
    as it may be I lived this poem myself.
    I know just how harf it could be.
    Yo wrote it so well, better than I could have
    ever done. You are one amazing lady.

    Loveandblessings2u & yours always
    Joyce

  • Endeavor gold member
    July 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Separation came too soon.
    Yet, no graduation celebration.
    Standing on sorrow's porch, I wave:
    Goodbye, my love, goodbye...

    I hope you packed good memories.

    Not an easy verse to write
    but I love how you did it

    You are a real treasure Julie
    Congradulations on the Silver

    Love, Rick

  • ea silver member
    July 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow, it is indeed with mixed feelings that we watch our young people step off that porch into their own. Thinking of you Julie and hoping you feel better soon.


  • DeGraw
    June 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Well worth it!

    As a new member to this site. I have a lot to learn. Rhyming is practically the only poetry I write, but I'm learning free verse and find that I do like it. Your piece is really beautiful.
    Thank you for a glimpse at what it's supposed to be like.
    congratulations on your win.
    Regards,
    Jennifer


    • trista gold member
      July 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Jennifer,

      Like you, about the only thing I wrote when I first joined AP was rhyming poetry. It's taken me a while to get comfortable with free verse, and rhyme will always be my favorite...but AP is a great place to learn and experiment.

      Thanks so much for the comment and applause, and welcome to the site!

      Best wishes,
      ~J.


  • ProudMomma
    June 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great write. Hope you are doing better soon sweetie this was wonderful write and you well deserved the silver trophy if not more. this is a great write hon keep on penning!


  • Timothy Cameron gold member
    June 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Glad to see you are writing. Hope all is well with you.

    • trista gold member
      July 2, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Timothy,

      Not sure I'd honestly say I'm writing...I had to tie my muse to a chair and threaten to write with only crayons for the rest of my life, if she didn't cooperate. Still...I got this out, and for that, I'm grateful.

      I'm having some major medical issues so will be getting to the cities soon...let's chit chat sometime, maybe we'll get that coffee in after all this time?

      Thanks so much for stopping by to read, comment, and the applause! Hope you're doing okay...

      s
      ~J.


  • NeonRose
    June 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Trista! Congrats on the Silver! Good thing you did not second guess yourself, and not enter this. I thought it was grand, and so did Bear!


  • aboomer silver member
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Definitely worth the wait!! So touching and beautiful! Wonderful images and depth of emotion! So many lines I really like, it would be hard to list them....
    Outstanding - and Congrats. on the Silver!!


  • Rose Angel gold member
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    My my dear sis, if I didn't know this was for a contest, I would feel this was so personal for you to write..though your emotions are not hiding through it! Oh, your imagery....the suckling mothers' breast, walking baby steps...It is so attached to the human instincts your analogies, and when you come to bone and tissue....it is so part of our flesh...I have not seen a poem like this...and I do want to make it part of my bookmarks..and read and reread it again!...You are near in heart and prayers dear heart!


  • jamiedoring
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is just gut-wrenchingly beautiful (if that makes ANY sense, lol)

    ....Eloquent and smooth....absolutely amazing write. I lost count of how many times I read this...I felt this deeply and that end line puts my heart in my throat and makes me think I may do something I NEVER do, cry.....I need to go now before I do, lol.

    simply beautiful.




  • Arkbear gold member
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hi Julie :)

    *skin (and) tissue*...oops!

     

     

     

    I would stop to read this write....grabs my curiosity and makes me want to read it....nice job!

     

    Ok......let's go to Flow..>>>

     

     Your Tone is sooooo realistic and captivating from the start.....however, IMHO, there needs to be some commas in your first stanza to slow the Reader down so they can partake of this incredible Tone you have produced in a mere 12 words ~

     

    Like children.....comma.......

    latching onto mothers' breast....comma.......

    we have weaned ourselves so slowly ~

     

    OMG, that just sets the balance of speech right there and makes me jump into your world ~

     

    2ns stanza is a tad confusing.....not sure if you meant....*where a lullaby no longer sung......or.........were a lullaby (is) no longer sung?*...as a question?

     

    *where lullabys are no longer sung*

     

    I have to make a call.....and I read it about 15 times while eating some bratwurst sausages Roger cooked for me.....and I still have to believe it is meant to be.....(where)

     

    Moving along...>>>

     

    I am not a fan of beginning your lines with an action noticeably taking place......(Then), suckling safety

     

     

    This line...>>>>

     

     

    you glanced behind
    while taking baby steps
    toward another's outstretched arms.

     

    That is totally exquisite penning in poetic tone....

     

    .......personification with your subject and the Focus on your Theme is superb ~

     

    *releasing you by degrees, never knowing I would suffer so*...........OMG.....such a sensual and passionate set of emotions being tugged from within my soul as I read those words.....splendid indeed ~

     

    *layers by layers*.....hmmmm......would it be safe to say.....*layer by layer*?

     

    No deduction there....it can go either way, depending on different nouns being used......skin & tissue.....right? ~

     

    *till only bone exists?.....how about.....until only bone exists.........or.......'till, only bone exists *~

     

    Keep slowing me down.....I don't want to be rushed toward the ending,.......you have already set the Tone of such depth and thought, so why push me out the door?

     

    *It seemed.........what is ( it )?

     

    Do not make me guess at this point in the write.....make your Focus be known and clear to me ~

     

    *even while hearts were emptied.....comma.....room.....comma...by room ~

     

    Do you see what I am doing?

     

    I am trying to get you to slow doooowwwwwnnnnnnn ~

     

    This is such an exceptional piece of writing, and I want to have all of these emotions poured all over me.........please do not take away that pleasure by rushing me ~

     

    Ok.....the last stanza is a tad awkward........for me ~

     

    Here goes..>>>>

     

    Graduation os separation came too soon.......comma.......

    ( yet ).....comma...... no celebration ~

     

    Take out (this)......and take away that whole last line....( I hope you packed good memories )....as it does nothing to enhance this beautiful and most sensual write of stale longing lost ~

     

    Alright.....this is what I have to say about your write.......this is the most beautiful entry in this contest.......you have painted a picture which makes me stare into the abyss of lost love.......the suggestions I have given are only that.....suggestions.......this write stands firm on its' own......

     

     

     

    .....however......I believe I saw something you didn't..................a spectacular write with emotions of Power, and a Tone with  Impacting force on my soul....if only slowed down to appreciate all you have said ~

     

    I can see a vivid picture of this painting......it's sad.....yet....it's beautful ~

     

    I am not saying this because you have had muse problems......I am saying this, because this is truly a beautiful write ~

     

    So......good luck to you and thanks for trying your best to get something in for the contest ~

     

    You have just interrupted the standing of Trophys I believe......but I can't say for sure until I get it on my board.....so don't hold me to those words :) ~

     

    Good luck and God bless you!

     

    Bear ~

     

     

     

     


    Title  I would read this as Title stands -
    Flow  This needs to be slowed waaaay down to apppreciate the affect it can have on your soul -
    Depth  Very nice -
    Theme  Not original, but definately has the approach to make me want to read each line with passion -
    Feelings  *sigh*
    Grammar  Could use some editing...as suggested....but this is only MO -
    Presentation  Beautiful -
    Uncommonness  Not so uncommon......nonetheless, superb penning -
    Sit & Ponder Affect  Another *sigh*
    Ability to follow Rules  ( 1 ) Filler word -

     

     

    Bears Score:  Over-all, one of the prettiest writes I have read in a long time ~

     

     

    • trista gold member
      July 2, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Hi Bear,

      Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to you on this...but of course you know why.

      Firstly, thank you so much for the silver...totally unexpected...but definitely an honor! And yes...you obviously saw something in it I did not...for if I'd had it my way, this would have landed in the trash more than likely.

      I really appreciate the feedback you've given me, and have made several changes. Most are from your suggestions, but a few of my own as well...to try and put a wee bit more clarity into the write as a metaphorical piece.

      You questioned the word "were" in S2...I did intend for it to be "were", as in... magic nights "were" lullabies, but I had "a lullaby", so perhaps the plural makes better sense now, along with the additional line I've stuck in.

      I'm keeping the last line...at least for now...to me, it ties the rest of the metaphor together...a lover packing memories like an adult child would pack their clothing etc. when they move out...still playing with it a bit though, so who knows in the future what I might do...but also for now, I needed to end this with a period...for personal reasons if nothing else...

      TY again, Hon. It's been both a blessing and an honor to be a judge with you and the rest of the gang in the PO contests, and to see such amazing talent come through the PO doors in the last year. You have a way of bringing out the best in a poet...IF they are open and willing to accept the fact almost every poem can be improved on. We tend to get so attached to our writes, often becoming very protective of them, but to paraphrase something I was once told... "If you love your writing so much that you think it doesn't need editing, you don't love it enough."

      Love and s
      ~J.


  • RyanosaurusWrecks
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    quite a magnificent entry, well worth a few readings...every day.
    you have succesfully captured longing in a wonderful manner, way to go!!


  • islekine gold member
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Zowie! Julie....this was well, well, worth the

    wait!! Beautifully penned! Best wishes in the contest.. Hope your health is improving...daily!!
    Take care...
    Write on!


  • TanpoSongai
    June 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is a really good poem, and honestly I can't find anything to criticize at this point. You have done a great job and the emotion in this is visible by the lines you've chosen. You have also kept to the theme chosen for the contest so no complaints there either. So, overall you have done a great job. All the best.

1 - 27 of 27