Yesterday a woman smiled at me.
No
She smiled at my own mad smiling.
As I walked and spoke to myself
Spoke and answered
As if I were surprised at what I was saying
At what I was feeling.
And what I was feeling
Was the wonder of being more than me
Of being more than mere here and now allowed.
I had become a shining star
A burning nova exploded with love
Flying through an endless expanding universe
Away from the ME that was toward
A ME that is beyond understanding...
Author notes
midnight-neko
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
845 points, ended August 14, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I think the only developed and good part of this poem is shining star motif in lines 11 through 13. The rest could use some work. I’d suggest playing up more on that idea. Maybe even create a whole central astral motif for the entire poem. I don’t think the repetition in the poem helps anything. It creates an uneasy stop-go momentum. I also don’t think writing “me” in all caps helps anything. I don’t think that word deserves all of attention you gave it. I’d like to see you use line breaks here too. Thanks for the entry. If you choose revise, please let me know of any changes.
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